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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I was at an office party one day .. seated besided two young bucks whose wives were both pregnant. Their conversation just was not in my general interest area so I only had one ear open (but then thats the best I can do anyway) .. 

When one asked the other one "whos your obstetrician?"  My ears perked up. There might be possiblilities of a story here. .. so the one on the other side answers "Dr. Alvin Chew" .. 

My ears perked up .. I thought "Can there be two of them in the city? .. maybe this is his son or something. 

Number  one 'father to be' answers "No kidding? We go to him too."  As if he had a part to play in this other than donor and chauffeur....  

Number two 'father to be' kicks in "Yes we researched all over the city, and in Sherwood Park and St. Albert. Apparently hes the best in Northern Alberta" .. 

Back to Number One .. "Yes my wife did the same. She feels much safer with him. Its a shame we have to go across town to the MillTown Familly Office." .. 

My jaw dropped .. so I picked it up and popped it back on its hinges. .. Then I butted into the conversation "Are you guys  talking about Dr. Alvin Chew at the Milltown Clinic?. Down by Community Centre Mall?" .." in the same office as Dr Kaziniwski?" .. " "Yup thats the one! do you know him? .. Yes my kids were yanked out by Dr Kaziniwski back before the Fall of Rome"  

..and they went back to talking about Car seats for newborns.

We all smiled at the old geezers joke.  But the real joke was on me.   I sat there and thought .. "hmmmm
next time he sticks that finger in me and tells me to cough, Im going to wonder if he's looking for my ovaries?"

Thursday, September 3, 2015

 Roping a Deer   old story .. enhanced .   (not mine but I love this style of writing)

Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well, and tried this!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them.   I picked out....a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million year s would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when...

I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a big baby and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true, so help me God...

Name withheld due to embarrassment

Monday, August 24, 2015

I taught the big bearded guy a lesson.

I didn’t provoke the fight, so I feel no remorse for what I was forced to do. We were arguing. I was right and he was wrong. He didn’t agree with my assessment of the size of his brain. He decided to fight to cover up his stupidity. 
He swung at me first.  I’m in such great shape that  I was able to act quickly and block his punch neatly with my head. I jumped to the ground dragging him down on top of me. I was begging for him to stop because I did not want to have to hurt him. He  was yelling and swearing so I placed my ear in his mouth so he would stop yelling at me. I poked his fingers several times with my eye.  His teeth must have been hurt badly by the strength of my ear because he became irate. He repeatedly mentioned, very loudly, that no one was allowed to disrespect his motorcycle by peeing on it. His voice was rather funny as it was interrupted by each kick he tried to use on me.  I cleverly blocked his onslaught with my ribs and head.
Eventually I got to my wind back enough to stand up (slowly so he wouldn’t think I was a danger to him when I told him that it might be due to sexual relations between his mother and his uncle) . I ambled toward my car in hopes that I could leave the scene without having to hurt this poor man further.
Before I could start the car he pulled me from the still open door. I was then convinced that I would have to swing at him but only managed to hit myself in the head.
To this I said “What’s this?  Two against one?”
That was the final straw . I lost all control.  There was something rotten in the state of Denmark.  I needed to evacuate .. the premises.
 “There will be no mercy now” I quaked with anger. Taking him in a death grip I pounded him in the knee with my stomach.  Then I hit him two or three times .. hard .. in the fist, .. with my teeth. Finally, he had had enough!  I could tell. He didn’t even try to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Dont step on a wet floor

A police officer called the station on his radio. 
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." 
"Have you arrested the woman?" 
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

You missed it!

So what does this mean?

Things to remember as you grow old.