tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67329333819650282302023-11-16T06:15:07.545-08:00Fumbling FunRichard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-71545827366285428672015-09-15T14:54:00.001-07:002015-09-15T14:54:13.799-07:00<div style="background-color: white; color: #500050; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">
I was at an office party one day .. seated besided two young bucks whose wives were both pregnant. Their conversation just was not in my general interest area so I only had one ear open (but then thats the best I can do anyway) .. </div>
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When one asked the other one "whos your obstetrician?" My ears perked up. There might be possiblilities of a story here. .. so the one on the other side answers "Dr. Alvin Chew" .. </div>
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My ears perked up .. I thought "Can there be two of them in the city? .. maybe this is his son or something. </div>
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Number one 'father to be' answers "No kidding? We go to him too." As if he had a part to play in this other than donor and chauffeur.... </div>
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Number two 'father to be' kicks in "Yes we researched all over the city, and in Sherwood Park and St. Albert. Apparently hes the best in Northern Alberta" .. </div>
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Back to Number One .. "Yes my wife did the same. She feels much safer with him. Its a shame we have to go across town to the MillTown Familly Office." .. </div>
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My jaw dropped .. so I picked it up and popped it back on its hinges. .. Then I butted into the conversation "Are you guys talking about Dr. Alvin Chew at the Milltown Clinic?. Down by Community Centre Mall?" .." in the same office as Dr Kaziniwski?" .. " "Yup thats the one! do you know him? .. Yes my kids were yanked out by <span style="font-size: 12.8px;">Dr Kaziniwski</span> back before the Fall of Rome" </div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">..and they went back to talking about Car seats for newborns.</span></div>
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We all smiled at the old geezers joke. But the real joke was on me. I sat there and thought .. "hmmmm</div>
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next time he sticks that finger in me and tells me to cough, Im going to wonder if he's looking for my ovaries?"</div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-46626852394264711702015-09-03T14:00:00.002-07:002015-09-03T14:00:47.326-07:00<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;">
Roping a Deer old story .. enhanced . (not mine but I love this style of writing)</div>
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Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well, and tried this!</div>
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I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.<span class="photo photo_left" style="clear: left; float: left; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 10px 5px 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/s180x540/424418_10151363451067621_1309414677_n.jpg?oh=ec8c36115fd371a0dab2daf349429f77&oe=56710102" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;" title="" /></span></div>
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The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.</div>
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I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. <span class="photo photo_right" style="clear: right; float: right; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 0px 5px 10px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/v/t1.0-9/s180x540/560816_10151363451487621_423794281_n.jpg?oh=b5d8066c28c33a4e9ef9cabcbfb6f346&oe=56663CE6" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;" title="" /></span> I picked out....a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.</div>
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The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.<span class="photo photo_left" style="clear: left; float: left; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 10px 5px 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-0/s180x540/543766_10151363462412621_1135641554_n.jpg?oh=ac348c77fc3082fb3f1854d3343e7225&oe=568027A0" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;" title="" /></span></div>
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The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.</div>
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That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.</div>
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A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.</div>
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The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.</div>
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At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.</div>
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I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.<span class="photo photo_left" style="clear: left; float: left; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 10px 5px 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/s180x540/45499_10151363450617621_2048264566_n.jpg?oh=2daef91263ef598ed150738f968fd61b&oe=56AA02C4" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;" title="" /></span></div>
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Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.</div>
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I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million year s would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when...</div>
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I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.</div>
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Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.</div>
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The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.</div>
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While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.</div>
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Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.</div>
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This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.</div>
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I screamed like a big baby and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.</div>
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Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.</div>
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Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.</div>
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I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.<span class="photo photo_left" style="clear: left; float: left; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 10px 5px 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/v/t1.0-9/s180x540/537093_10151363462597621_616730321_n.jpg?oh=8f3845bcf8746081e1e79818d25bc2c3&oe=566043DB" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 100%; padding: 0px;" title="" /></span></div>
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All these events are true, so help me God...</div>
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Sincerely,</div>
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Name withheld due to embarrassment</div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-80976997179360891802015-08-24T08:43:00.000-07:002015-08-24T08:43:54.929-07:00I taught the big bearded guy a lesson.<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span lang="EN-CA">I didn’t provoke the fight, so I feel no
remorse for what I was forced to do. We were arguing. I was right and he was
wrong. He didn’t agree with my assessment of the size of his brain. He decided
to fight to cover up his stupidity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">He swung at me first. I’m in such great shape that I was able to act quickly and block his punch
neatly with my head. I jumped to the ground dragging him down on top of me. I was
begging for him to stop because I did not want to have to hurt him. He was yelling and swearing so I placed my ear
in his mouth so he would stop yelling at me. I poked his fingers several times
with my eye. His teeth must have been
hurt badly by the strength of my ear because he became irate. He repeatedly
mentioned, very loudly, that no one was allowed to disrespect his motorcycle by
peeing on it. His voice was rather funny as it was interrupted by each kick he
tried to use on me. I cleverly blocked
his onslaught with my ribs and head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Eventually I got to my wind back enough to
stand up (slowly so he wouldn’t think I was a danger to him when I told him
that it might be due to sexual relations between his mother and his uncle) . I
ambled toward my car in hopes that I could leave the scene without having to hurt
this poor man further. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">Before I could start the car he pulled me
from the still open door. I was then convinced that I would have to swing at
him but only managed to hit myself in the head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">To this I said “What’s this? Two against one?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">That was the final straw . I lost all
control. There was something rotten in
the state of Denmark. I needed to
evacuate .. the premises.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> “There
will be no mercy now” I quaked with anger. Taking him in a death grip I pounded
him in the knee with my stomach. Then I
hit him two or three times .. hard .. in the fist, .. with my teeth. Finally, he
had had enough! I could tell. He didn’t
even try to pick me up off the ground. He was too chicken.</span>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-13281446353632964672015-08-10T13:50:00.002-07:002015-08-10T13:50:48.107-07:00Dont step on a wet floor<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">A police officer called the station on his radio. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">"Have you arrested the woman?" </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">"Not yet. The floor's still wet."</span>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-74826078389173236792015-08-10T13:27:00.002-07:002015-08-10T13:28:08.900-07:00You missed it!<img src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11751842_10153365449592906_481621367625765171_n.jpg?oh=b7937d9671f369e260e75960e8e5a58f&oe=567BB0FF" />Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-35361306259346430962015-08-10T13:26:00.003-07:002015-08-10T13:26:33.291-07:00<br />
So what does this mean?<br />
<br />
<img src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11831792_1186633428029498_6487821282584619181_n.jpg?oh=0eb228d219afc9649900f8f8b4896d48&oe=56435F4F" />Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-61513640498068689142015-08-10T13:25:00.000-07:002015-08-10T13:25:01.111-07:00<br />
Things to remember as you grow old.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<img src="https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/11145116_971010566265619_7989164045399022761_n.jpg?oh=8e972d024e24d57108f25c2218b944ae&oe=5680D217" />Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-67485268047034072412015-08-10T13:22:00.001-07:002015-08-10T13:23:40.588-07:00<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
A fragment of a note from Clint Eastwood<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
"So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please know this:</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere,<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><br />double-talking, radical socialist, terrorist excusing, bleeding heart,<br />narcissistic, scientific and economic moron currently in the White<br />House!</span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.3199996948242px;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px;">
Participating in a gun buy-back program because you think that<br />
criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because<br />
you think your neighbors have too many kids".</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Regards,<br />
Clint</div>
</div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-37876993246339652152015-06-23T20:19:00.001-07:002015-06-23T20:19:20.871-07:00Attention Surplus Disorder<span style="font-size: large;">Attention Surplus Disorder</span><br />
<br />
Thats when you hear something you've never heard before: a word, a story, a concept, a definition. Then suddenly you start seeing it all over the place.<br />
<br />
Another term for this is "Newbiquitous"Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-59161962317695797632015-06-23T19:24:00.004-07:002015-06-23T19:24:59.659-07:00Avoid-dance<span style="font-size: large;">Avoid-dance</span><br />
<br />
That's what happens when two people approach each other head on and then both sidestep right then both sidestep left to get out of the way.<br />
<br />
Also known as Polka-dodgeRichard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-27442551872114669062015-06-23T19:22:00.000-07:002015-06-23T19:22:33.692-07:00"Deficit Sending"<span style="font-size: large;">"Deficit Sending"</span><br />
<br />
When you send an email but forget to add the attachment. <br />
<br />
Other possibles<br />
"Sends of Ommission"<br />
"Forgetfileness"Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-44914130008914605982015-06-23T19:10:00.000-07:002015-06-23T19:11:03.141-07:00Rekapootulation. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="font-size: large;">Rekapootulation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">T</span>hat's what you call it when an electronic device stops working,
until the repairman comes, then it starts working again until the repairman is
out of touch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-3934697331939742932015-06-21T21:46:00.000-07:002015-06-21T21:46:11.991-07:00Wet Pants<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">WET PANTS.....</span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Come with me to a third grade
classroom.....There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a
sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet.
He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how
this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys
find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll
never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is
going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God,
this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead
meat."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He looks up from his
prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been
discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is
carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the
teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap. The boy
pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you,
Lord! Thank you, Lord!" Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object
of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him
downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the
other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The
sympathy is wonderful. But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have
been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She tries to help, but they tell her to get
out. You've done enough, you klutz!" Finally, at the end of the day, as
they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,
"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I
wet my pants once too." May God help us see the opportunities that are
always around us to do good. Remember.....Just going to church doesn't make you
a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. I not only
love the story --- I love this last quote!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I only hope that in the coming years there will be many people with
fishbowls around me!!! </span></div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-1847130197021251572015-06-21T19:26:00.003-07:002015-06-22T20:01:04.481-07:00The Stink Wars of 2015. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The Stink Wars of 2015.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">There
was another yellow spot on the lawn. The neighbor had been walking his dog
again. Always ticks me off. So I went looking. The darned thing always
leaves more than 3 lbs of kielbasa-shaped dog crap. I knew it had to be there somewhere.
It always is. The pompous bugger would never have left it on anyone else's
lawn. I found it and scooped it up and dumped it in the white plastic garbage bag
containing the sum total of the last three days 'puppy chow'; maybe 15 lbs.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The neighbor
had a pure bred dog, part Afghan hound, part St. Bernard, and part German shepherd.
The Afghan genes obviously dominated its intelligence, coloring and
general shape. It got the St. Bernard’s size, 'output volume' and
drool. The German shepherd showed through in ears, tail and Nazi
attitude. This was one ugly dog.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">Heck,
this was one ugly neighbor too. His name was Hyde. We used to
joke about how Dr. Jekyll was never home. Like the dog, this guy was
a pure bred cross. I could see elements of Bella Lugosi, Peter Lorre, and Yul
Brynner in his genes. He had a Bela Lugosi face, a Peter Lorry snivel and
a Yul Brynner strut. </span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">He
loved to brag about his 'house-trained' dog. Heck yeah, house trained is right!
He had trained the dog to go to my house. He would open the door. The dog
would sniff the air, come out the door, take the steps 2 at a time, bound
across the lawn, jump the hedge with about 2 ft to spare, and do an inspection
tour of my lawn before it chose a spot to leave its mark on the earth. To
add insult to injury the dog would turn its back on the pile and kick up clods
of my fresh mowed sod with his back feet in a useless attempt to cover his
tracks.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">My
lawn was in serious need of saving.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">I
decided defensive tactics were in order. My brother-in-law is a know-it-all.
Just ask my mother-in-law or my wife. He knows everything. He said just throw
the dog crap back on the neighbors own lawn. I tried that. I found a key
scratch all down the side of my new Volvo the next morning. I kinda knew
what that message was saying. It spelled out "Don’t mess with me." in nice big
scratchy letters. I was mad and in a mood to be much more destructive but
my natural cowardice took precedence, for now.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">My
brother-in-law was enraged. He figured I should walk up to the neighbor’s door,
ring his doorbell, and punch his lights out. I thought it was a great
idea but since I was going to be away that day I asked my brother-in-law if he
would do it for me. He didn’t even pause when he said "Maybe it’s not such
a great idea." My mother-in-law agreed with him. She had agreed with him
when he first suggested the 'punch his lights out' approach too. My
brother-in-law then suggested 'pepper'. Okay, that sounded better than the
'lights out' scheme. So the very next day I bought 3 large (the giant lifetime
supply type) cans of Malkin's Black Pepper. Somehow I didn’t think bell
peppers or even Jalapenos would do.) (Did you know that during the middle
ages black pepper was more valuable than gold? Now too!!) I spread it all
over the lawn, side to side and corner to corner... I spread it thick. I’m
sure it would have worked if that freak 'sneezing' wind hadn't come up soon
after. .. People complained about it for months. How every resident
of every house for 2 blocks down the street erupted in fits of uncontrollable
sneezing. Cats ran away. And didn’t come back. The fat lady next door had
to be hospitalized, but she lost 20 pounds in a week long sneezing fit. Two
older gentlemen also had to be hospitalized after a fight that broke out when
one of them sneezed the poker pot off the table. When I heard some of the
serious complaints people had about the mysterious storm, I didn’t have the
heart to complain about my measly loss of 3 Kg. of black pepper. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">Then
one day when my brother in law and I were out watching the kids play soccer he
brought out a grocery bag and we lazed back in our lawn chairs with two kinds
of cheese, some pepperoni and some crackers. It was a great
impromptu lunch. The real thing he gave me that afternoon however, was later at
home. When we got back to the house with our respective sons, soccer sweat and
muddy boots, he complained to my wife, (his sister), that he had eaten enough
cheese to wreck 3 years worth of Metamucil. The light in the attic suddenly
shone bright. I had an idea. Cheese worked like a plug. I know exactly where a
plug like that could be useful. That night I bought 3 kilos of mild
Cheddar.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The
dog didn’t like cheddar. It ignored the cheddar. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">This
was strange for me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remembered when I
was a kid, my dog, loved cheese. My Norwegian relatives sent us some Norwegian “Gamel
Ost” one year. (“Gamel Ost” translates rather innocently to 'Old Cheese')
This translation doesn’t carry with it the mortal fear children in Norway have
for this dark brown cheese with the strong odor and bite like a rabid
snake. We have boogey men. They have “Gamel Ost”. When the parcel
delivery guy arrived with a package from my mothers Norwegian cousins, my dog
barked and wagged its tail with obvious excitement. And the package had been
triple wrapped in cellophane and sprayed with 'Evening in Paris' eau de toilette. As we unwrapped
it layer by layer, the poor mongrel Border collie had gotten
increasingly wild. When we opened the top of the box we got the full force
of a smell enhanced by a month-long unrefrigerated trip across the North Atlantic. The sweet concentrated odor of sweat
socks and sewer treatment plants wafted past our nostrils summoning tears of
sentimental joy. My father said "What the Hell… "(He never
swore.) And tossed the whole package including two beautiful Norwegian Sweaters as
far as he could out the back door toward the alley. The dog was in full
stride when it went between his legs and jumped a full 10 feet from the back steps.
The cardboard packaging was ripped to shreds by the time I got to the door to
watch. “Lady” was rolling deliciously in the brown and green ‘eau de Toilette
de Chien” (translate that ‘Canine Evening in Paris’). That was the
year the Skunks fled the town and the porcupines all lost their quills. Since
that week (that seemed like a year) I have known that dogs love cheese. And the
greater the smell the greater the desire. But I digress. Suffice it
to say, I needed more smell. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The
next day I went to the German Grocery Store. I had seen Special Scandinavian
cheeses there once before. I was in luck they still had the same package
of “Gamel Ost”. (I remember the date was from 3 years previous to the first
visit.)... .. This “Gamle Ost” was OLD!! … And it still had its
special sale price. . Much cheaper than the pepper. But it was only
about 500 grams. I needed more. I decided I would have to mix it with the
cheddar. So I went to the army surplus store for a gas mask.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">Two
trial asphyxiations and three baths in salt water later, the mixed cheese
casserole (the added oatmeal was the piece of resistance) was done. It was on
the newly fenced off lawn. The paint was blistering on that side of the
house when the neighbor let his dog out. In a split second it was rolling in
the cheese. In spite of the wider spread of the smell, the blistering paint and
the pack of hungry dogs coming up the street, I smiled. I watched when the
greedy monstrosity gulped down all 5 and a half kilos of thick “eau de Paris”
soufflé. </span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">We
didn’t get much sleep that night. Cause the dog spent the night in the
neighbor's back yard howling its head off. I got up and marinated
two kilo of ground beef in Castor oil! I also added all four bottles of
Cod Liver Oil capsules collected by my Norwegian mother in Walmart’s big
anniversary ‘vitamin – price blow out’ .. 5 years ago. I let the whole
slimy mess ‘age’ for 5 or 10 minutes. It was about 6 AM when I tossed the very
oily raw hamburger over the back fence. The dog quieted down for a bit. About
an hour later I heard the neighbor swearing up a storm as he entered the back
yard sporting a snazzy new gas mask. (More expensive than the one I bought) He
used his electric hair clippers to shear the beast before using plenty of soap
and water to excise the dog perfume. I was surprised how quietly the dog
stood. I watch quietly well behind the screen door on my side of the back
fence. The pleasant smell of talcum powder and Lifebuoy soap mixed with the
smell of burning hair and roasting cheese exuded an ambivalent ambiance. After vomiting 3 times, I sealed the back door and nailed it
shut. I watched from the side window, waiting for the inevitable. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">My
waiting was in vain. The man didn’t complain about any dog crap so I assumed
that the cheese was not going to surrender to the hamburger easily. .. Nothing
had happened. Finally after the sun had been up long enough to dry the dog
off, Hyde let the moaning dog into the house. I could see that he
had sheered the dog like a sheep. … It was moving a bit more sluggishly but
Hyde gave no complaints. So, obviously, the dog smelled better and hadn't
changed the atmosphere… yet. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">Pondering
the uneventful clean up process, I was suddenly STRUCK WITH TERROR!!!!
Any minute now that dog was going to scratch at the front door to be let out to
do its thing, IN MY FRONT YARD!!!! .. Crap and double crap.
What could I do?</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">I
panicked. We were all going to die! I only had one gas mask. We had to
move fast. I mean really move! Pack up our belongings. Armageddon
was here. It was time for the Exodus. A smell worse than fire and brimstone
with sulfur flavoring would soon permeate the yard. No one would buy our
house. Visions of Chernobyl!
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The
need to defend my castle came next. How could I meet the invader at the
hedgerow? Where were my Tiger Tanks? Did we have any bear spray left over from
holidays? Maybe I could hold off the beast. A sword. A cross bow? Anything??? And
then it came to me. Pepper. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it would
work after all. .. I raced to the kitchen… and raided the spice cupboard until
I found a small half full spice bottle of black pepper bottle. It would
have to do. I was at war. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">I
raced from the house and bounded over the intervening hedge. .. Almost tripping
as I caught my foot on the branches, I landed on one foot and kept going as I
stooped running under his picture window to his front step. I quickly
dumped the half bottle of black pepper in a pile on the ‘Welcome’ mat. I
turned and headed for the hedge, stooping under the picture window and doing a
swan dive over the top. Somersaulting to my feet and looking for my garden
shovel to fend the beast off.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">The
shovel was by the flower bed beside the house. I scurried back just in time to
hear the neighbors front door opening. I braced for the onslaught. The
dog or I would be dead! Looking through a small gap in the hedge I watched as
the dog stuck its head out the door. It stopped and sniffed. It then
lowered its head and got a good whiff of the strange material it smelled.
And it sneezed. And did it sneeze!!!! It backed into the house in panic. ..The
screen door slammed shut but the inside door was still open as I heard it heave
and belch in great lung crushing sneezes. Gut squeezing sneezes. Sphincter
loosening sneezes. Great brown pneumatic shooting sneezes. I heard chaos.
Hyde was swearing. I heard a dog yelping between sneezes as it ran over,
behind, and under furniture to avoid its angry master. I heard a continued
sneezing combined with the crashing sound as furniture seemed to come alive it
a mad dash to get out of the way. A lamp crashed. Through the window I saw Hyde
slip and fall. Visions of Chernobyl
reentered my head! I smiled. </span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;"> Epilogue.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="ecapple-style-span"><span style="color: black;">Hyde
moved out. I heard the dog was given to a Newfoundland Elk Rancher. His house
was up for sale for over 6 months but it finally sold. The new neighbor
was an opportunist who bought it as a fixer upper to be flipped. He did major
renovations to get rid of the ambiance of the former resident. He finally sold
for a loss when the market fell. The older couple who finally got the house
more than a year later, are great neighbors. They have two yappy little Maltese
dogs and a kitty litter box.</span></span><span style="color: black;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
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<![endif]-->Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-59332237155734511022013-07-03T18:29:00.001-07:002015-06-21T01:58:53.392-07:00Los Locos Burritos Grande<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwRfUx-qMY1nqQkBcw22LmVwr19mzZA747TFMGglPg8qAYw8eH2vYbM1I4uKQIUmhgn8AppnZs93cxVMdyAYpCqZaumHIYrGEi8b1hnlO2tcGFjpAVwIxyc7mmuyOfJ-KGnvpOxoqY9W8/s264/Rico.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwRfUx-qMY1nqQkBcw22LmVwr19mzZA747TFMGglPg8qAYw8eH2vYbM1I4uKQIUmhgn8AppnZs93cxVMdyAYpCqZaumHIYrGEi8b1hnlO2tcGFjpAVwIxyc7mmuyOfJ-KGnvpOxoqY9W8/s264/Rico.jpg" /></a></div>
The Latinos I have met in Yuma Arizona have been universally the nice, friendly and hardworking. I was impressed.<br />
<br />
I have a story to tell about this. I was in the Goodwill store, shopping around. I happened to be by the bathing suits. I was looking through them to see if there were any my size. This tall muscular looking Mexican guy with tattoos, drooping black mustache, cap on backwards and a face like he hated the world, came over and stood beside me ..<br />
<br />
I thought .. ieeeee ieeeee ieeeeee I'm eeeen beeeeg trrrouble. .. so i held this bathing suit .. luminous yellow I think .. across my hips and smiled at him and asked if the thought it was big enough.<br />
<br />
He looked at me for a second and a friendly smile lit up his face. "I don't know sir but they got almost every size. That one's kinda gay if you know what I mean."<br />
<br />
Very conversational .. that's good.<br />
<br />
So I said yeah .. "I need something more macho!!! y grande" (in my limited Spanish that said 'and beaggar')<br />
<br />
He grinned and made some some male bonding remark like "yeah we don't wanna start dressing in yellow!!!" .. and I came back with .. "besides ... I need something to hold big cajones!!!" (Spanish for huevos) .. He broke out laughing and moved away from the idiot Canadian. .. ..<br />
<br />
Later as I was going through the till he came up behind me. "oh oh maybe I am in trouble" says my inner old man tourist mind.<br />
<br />
When I got to put my stuff on the counter .. Rico .. that was his name .. says .. "Hey Maria .. hombre ees okay .. geeve it to heem for free." Then he whispers to me " es mi hermana." (she is my sister.) so I got to steal a "black" bathing suit from Goodwill with collusion from the clerk and her gang banger hermano. (brother)..<br />
<br />
And that's how I started my life as a member of "Los Locos Burritos Grande" " LLBG" I get my tattoo (LLBG one inch by 5 inches on my left butt cheek) when I can do a wheelie on my moped.<br />
<br />
But seriously .. most of this story is true (the part about me being in their gang is not.. I failed the physical ... and the language test) . I am very impressed by the Latinos I met in Arizona .. on average they seem to be very good folks who love their families.Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-42265809757742766372013-06-25T07:43:00.001-07:002013-06-25T07:43:44.845-07:00<h2>
<b>How Psychometricians get Laid</b></h2>
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Canadian Lotteries</div>
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Jane: damn lottery!!!!</div>
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Jane: bought the wrong ticket again</div>
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Richard: you lost again!!!!</div>
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Jane: uh huh</div>
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Richard: hmmmm will you never learn?</div>
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Jane: no</div>
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Richard: next time pick the right numbers!!!</div>
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Jane: it's supposed to be 41 million</div>
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Jane: I dreamed it!! So it has to come true, right?</div>
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Richard: wow</div>
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Richard: yep .. has to be</div>
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Jane: hahaha</div>
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Richard: I should see if I have any tickets, less than a year old, hugging the inside of my wallet .</div>
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Richard: I tend to buy them and forget about them</div>
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Jane: It would be awful to have an expired winner</div>
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Jane: I don't think I'd want to know.</div>
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Richard: yes… have thought that a few times .. but then .. who would know ?</div>
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Jane: No you'd see them on the website and cry.</div>
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Richard: No… I have got one year ….. then they don’t show the old numbers so even I would never know!!!</div>
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Richard: I’m a three time lottery winner</div>
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Jane: yeah but $9 won't buy you a piece of ass these days</div>
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Richard: hmmmm that’s the theory I never tried</div>
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Jane: lol</div>
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Jane: be fun to spent that kind of money</div>
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Richard: I won about 21$ .. 28$ and 85$</div>
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Richard: A friend of mine and I actually figured out the odds once if we bought enough tickets to fill in every possible combination .. 100%</div>
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Jane: And how much would you have to spend?</div>
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Richard: the chances of making a screw up and miss filing was about 98%</div>
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Richard: I forget but 5.5 million comes to mind .. somewhere around that might have been more. Would have to recalculate .. 49! (49 factorial)</div>
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Jane: lol</div>
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Jane: How Psychometricians get high?</div>
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Richard: well we measure things like that</div>
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Jane: calculating odds?</div>
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Jane: yes, I know</div>
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Richard: closet statisticians</div>
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Richard: We thought we could borrow the risk capital from a bank considering we had a 100% chance of winning.</div>
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Richard: We were thinking of all the residuals too .</div>
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Jane: You’re turning me on.</div>
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Richard: Yeah I know .. me too .. all that math .. not to mention all that money.</div>
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Richard: we started thinking about the risks. Millions and millions of numbers to calculate and keep track of. Possible errors of duplications could cost time and millions. Just the record keeping to be able to find the winning ticket(s) when we won would be daunting. .. and what if there was a misfile .. and renting space to keep the tickets .. and the fact that you could never fill out that many tickets at one store .. even if you arranged with the lotto people ahead of time ..</div>
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Jane: I want to suck your ..</div>
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Richard: You would have to have it preset in a 1000 7-11’s .. and what if a clerk messed up .. you would have to hire a small army of your own clerks and train them to make sure your interests were covered. </div>
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Richard: Your expenses would double. You would have to pay employment insurance on all those employees. You would need a CFO .. (Major crook insurance) .. hmmm what else?</div>
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Jane: did you even see what I said?</div>
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Richard: no what did you say?</div>
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Richard: Oh that? Maybe later I’m thinking now.</div>
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Jane: I am so hot!!</div>
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Jane: I read about a math wizard who bought a bunch of those cheapie lotto tickets</div>
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Jane: you know those $2 ones</div>
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Jane: pay out up to 25000</div>
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Richard: yes</div>
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Jane: He calculated the odds of winning</div>
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Jane: took out the max loan he could afford and bought tickets</div>
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Jane: I think the loan was $8000</div>
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Jane: and he won over 70 000</div>
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Jane: in a weekends play</div>
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Jane: was a new game</div>
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Richard: and ?</div>
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Jane: there are interesting 'ways' of playing</div>
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Jane: where you use grids of numbers</div>
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Jane: saw one posted on 649</div>
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Jane: should have sent it to you</div>
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Jane: cause I didn't understand it</div>
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Jane: but you prolly would have</div>
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Richard: yes would be interesting to see if a person could increase the chances of scoring.</div>
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And that’s how Psychometricians get laid!! </div>
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Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-68432403887591731012013-06-15T19:44:00.001-07:002013-07-04T11:19:47.806-07:00A conversation between two middle aged friends about children today <b>My Friend</b><br />
kids are more and more needy everyday!! Arrggghhh!<br />
<b>Me</b><br />
ahhh I know the problem .. My daughter just buying a condo .. and I didnt know it just starts with co-signing .. then comes all the other stuff she will need help with .. awww well its what I was born for right
and my son just graduated from Nursing .. honors .. looks good for him .. so move out already
and my other son is graduating tomorrow at 9am .. so another 3 hour session of diploma transfers to sit through .. and gum chewing grads .. lol
ahhh well Quit your bitchin' Wolfie the world is as it should be .. sort of<br />
<b>My Friend</b><br />
lol.....yes but it feels good to bitch. Frankly, I wouldnt have it any other way. lol Its always nice to know that mom is still useful lololol. Huge congrats to your son...quite an achievement. Never seems to amaze me how you can plod along with nothing exciting going on and then all of a sudden...hell breaks loose!
My youngest graduated with honors in culinary, buys his first car, insures his first car (with a great deal of researching from mom), puts car on road all within 2 days!! Really??? He couldn't wait a week or two?? Twenty years old and everything needs to be done yesterday....but heaven forbid you ask him to clean his room this week or move his laundry.
Other son realized the day before his birthday that his G2 will expire if he doesnt do his road test. DDUUHHH.....luckily he passed! Other than 'driving like a grandpa'...an uneventful test. Whewwww.
Shall I go on? Naw......enough venting for now at least.
Like I said, I wouldnt have it any other way. I expect things from them in return......gotta love parent hood!!<br />
<b> Me </b><br />
we live in the same world .. almost exactly.. I keep telling my kids that in exchange for letting them live rent free until they are 30 .. I expect them to take over care of their mom when it’s time to retire .. that could save me a ton of money and if they don’t .. the guilt trip I’m giving them would be great revenge.<br />
<b>My Friend</b><br />
lolololol....love the guilt...works every time!<br />
<b>Me</b><br />
jejejejejeje<br />
<b>My Friend</b>
Mine will be at my beck and call when I am too old to drive and do errands....pay back for those multiple drop off/pick ups.<br />
<b> Me </b><br />
yes . drill it into them .. over and over and over again .. so you can sit back and cackle and say with a long pointed crooked finger .. YOU don’t really love me you ungrateful half breed son of the devil.<br />
<b>My Friend </b><br />
hahahahahhahahahaha......got it covered....been practicing my cackle for some time now
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-44012842770078820822013-06-14T10:10:00.001-07:002015-06-22T19:36:52.043-07:00The Amorous Cat<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">This morning just before my alarm went off .. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">my daughter's cat crawled up my chest to neck with me .. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">well he decided to put his wet nose on my lips .. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">He was so excited he was drooling</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">That's it!!! ... He's dead!!!! </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">when I get home tonight ... sheesh . .. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">if theres one thing I can't stand its an amorous cat!!</span>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-61515033309217908222013-06-14T08:26:00.002-07:002013-06-14T08:26:41.167-07:00Malicious Whorehouse Clock<span style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I needed sleep last night.. and boy did I need it .. woke up in the night and thought .. "it cant be morning already" .. looked up at my luminous clock on the book shelf .. which doubles as a night light .. casting a sexy blue whore house light over everthing .. and it said 2AM ... 2AM!!!!!! .. so I rolled over and tried to get back to sleep .. it was rough but I tried .. and was still trying whe</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">n I woke up at 5am .. 5AM!!! .. I need to get some sleep!!!! .. so laid back on my back and when through all my aches and pains .. lol .. gotta get those fixed I was still thinking when I woke up at 6:20 .. what!!!?? .. Morning already!! Dontcha just hate it when sleep sneaks in and doesn't tell you its been there. I think maybe its my whorehouse clock .. never called it that before but I kinda like the label .. anyway .. I think maybe its cheating me by making some hours just disappear!! .. for no reason other than I wasnt looking. .. well what can you expect from an $8 walmart reject. .. ..</span>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-46112702454926195092012-06-25T21:22:00.001-07:002012-06-25T21:22:23.867-07:00Root Canal<br />
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<strong>I went into the dentist yesterday, to get a root canal -- surprised I needed one -- but anyway .. Dentists have to live too right? (Anyone who disagrees with this statement, join me at midnight under the old elm tree -- bring your sheets and pointy hats.) </strong></div>
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<strong>Anyway, I showed up promptly at 6:30 a.m. (dentists obviously don’t use Facebook; besides, he had his golf clubs in the corner and told me he had an appointment to get out on the links at 1 p.m.). I was ushered in by his wife who was his assistant... and who was wearing the black outfit with the pentagram prominently displayed across her chest. She was very nice. (but scarry .. I think it was the lip piercings or the facial tattoos)</strong></div>
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<strong>The dentist walked in and tightened up the restraints on my chair. He made sure the buckles over my wrists were secured. <span class=""><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/428802_10151055395647621_2097735636_n.jpg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 493px; padding: 0px;" /><span class="caption"></span></span>He then pressed a pedal on the floor behind the chair and my chair tipped backwards--‘til my feet were 4 feet above my head. He said, “Now, this isn’t going to hurt,” as he stuck his gloved finger in my mouth... under my front lip... and rubbed back and forth. Oil of Cloves it was not! but it tasted that bad!!. He kept telling me NOT to suck his finger. : ( I thought thats what he wanted!!! .</strong></div>
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<strong>He then pulled out a needle -<strong><span class="photo_right" style="clear: right; float: right; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 0px 5px 10px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/529406_10151055390492621_906077125_a.jpg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 493px; padding: 0px;" /><span class="caption"></span></span></strong>- it was about 12 inches long -- and screwed it into a 2-ft plunger type apparatus.<span class="photo_center" style="clear: both; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: center;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/547987_10151055393612621_1760031979_a.jpg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px auto; max-width: 493px; padding: 0px; width: 180px;" /><span class="caption" style="font-size: 9px; margin: 0px auto; padding: 0px; width: 180px;"></span></span> He commented that this was his favorite needle because you could stick a horse with it and the horse would not complain. I couldn’t make the connection either. He then stuck the needle into a bucket of green liquid.that looked like green antifreeze but I suspected it was embalming fluid. <span class="photo_left" style="clear: left; float: left; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 10px 5px 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/292329_10151055392537621_120461645_a.jpg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 493px; padding: 0px;" /><span class="caption"></span></span>When he pulled the plunger part up, the bucket emptied into the needle. He held it up and tapped it to make sure there were no air bubbles in it, then he squirted a bit in the air -- more for effect than anything. The hygienist, who happened to be limping by, fell to the floor claiming that he had hit her other leg this time. She dragged herself off in the direction of another hysterical patient. I vaguely heard her telling her screaming patient that she would have to postpone for an hour until she could walk again.</strong></div>
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<strong>That’s about when I felt the dentist grab my upper lip and stretch it out toward the wall. He hooked it to a bungie cord he had hanging there. Then I felt the horse needle penetrate the my inner lip right where it sits under my nose. I coudlnt see much cause my lip was in the way. He pushed down saying, "There that didn't hurt, did it?"</strong></div>
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<strong>Heck no, I thought, A pit bull ripping off my lip would hurt more... I think. </strong></div>
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<strong style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">Suddenly, I felt a twitch in my eye, and he whispered to his wife, "I think I just severed his optic nerve!" A little more loudly to me he said, "Don’t worry, sir, you should be able to see again in a week or two."<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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Then he seemed to meet some kind of resistance, so he asked his wife to hold the needle while he climbed up on his chair to use his foot on the plunger .. pushing the needle through the resistance. When it popped and moved forward an inch, his wife said to him, a bit crossly I thought, "Honey, you just perforated the chair again." Then he had to yank the needle upward through my skull cap up toward my nose before he loaded all my sinuses with green antifreeze. My left eye went cross-eyed. He tells me that should go back when the freezing comes out. It didn’t bother me too much at the time because my thinking was all fuzzy. (Actually, I was hallucinating about little fire nymphs sliding out my nose.) The Doctor said quietly to me, "You may feel a bit of discomfort when the freezing comes out. Most of it will drain out through your nose but some will use your tear ducts. You won’t feel it for the first while. Try to remember to keep wiping your eyes and nose even if your face it dead. “ He talked so calmly. I’m sure one of us was hypnotized. I’m not sure if it was him or me.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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He then slapped my face--hard--and asked me if I could feel that. I said "no" (there was no way I was going to tell him I could feel a bit on the tip of my nose). But, he noticed me twitch, so he said .. "Honey, can you kick him in the face down there just to see if he has feeling... for me?" His preposition was dangling. Wasn’t it? Somehow, he had me correcting his grammar as I was hallucinating.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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Then he got out his drill. It wasn’t the ordinary dentist’s drill .. this was one from Home Depot .. Black and Decker I think .. small .. but would take ¼-inch bits. He used it to clean out the hole. That was ok because he only used a 1/16-inch metal (and bone) bit. He did have to pry my mouth open a bit more, but he had a special tool for that .. a small 12-inch pry bar called "Deep Throat". And because the cord was short he kept pulling it out of the wall while he was drilling. That’s when the bit would jam. Now that wasn’t the tragedy it sounds like because while the bit was jammed in my jaw bone, it got a chance to cool down some. He would get the witch to hold it while he stooped down and yanked the cord back so he could plug it in the wall socket again. Because it was on "continuous play mode" it would start right up... every time. He was lucky because the last time it jammed in my tooth, it wrapped up the nerve. I think it was the right nerve; but when he yanked the drill up, my right eye went wall-eyed. It snapped back in place though when the nerve snapped. He said the wobbly vision might stop later this week but if it didnt come see him and he would give me an introduction to his brother-in-law the optometrist. They witch with the tattooed face grunted approvingly.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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“There, I think thats got it, after he tried one more time with a smaller drill bit ” he exclaimed with glee.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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They said I passed out then, but, I can’t remember a thing.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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When I came too he was mixing cement in a bucket.<span class="photo_right" style="clear: right; float: right; max-width: 180px; padding: 2px 0px 5px 10px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539734_10151055397452621_1653137070_a.jpg" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; max-width: 493px; padding: 0px;" /><span class="caption"></span></span>"This stuff works as good as silver and mercury used to," he said. “Besides, I’m going to use the leftover to repair the crack in the wall I made when the jack hammer flew out of my hands last week.” I didn’t ask. My mouth was still supporting “Deep throat”. And besides the Witch had left that "thing" hanging over my lip--the thing that was sucking a hickey on the inside of my bottom lip.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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Finally he finished packing the Inland-Cement-Company brand cement into the hole. "This will be a bit hot while it’s drying, but I have packed the hole I made up behind your right eye, so the heat should cauterize the blood vessels to the back of your nose and you may never have to worry about nose bleeds ever again.” He said this with an excited voice as if he had done me a great favor by mistake.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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He cleaned up the blood and debris and even tried to wipe the snot and blood off my shirt.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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Finally he pronounced me "fit to go."<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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The witch said something under her breath too. Something about a fat lip being ideal for piercing. She was trying to convince me when I was grabbing my coat. All I can remember is something about if i got two rings in my lip they would do my sexual organs for half price. I agreed to consider it.<div style="line-height: 1.5em;">
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At the desk in the reception area. I paid my fee while the receptionist passed me a cup to take care of the green liquid streaming down my face .. I never noticed it before … all i noticed was that my head seemed heavy. I paid the full $3817.84, but I was a bit offended when she stuck out her hand for a tip. I only gave her a quarter.</strong>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-37726914173936889202012-06-05T08:28:00.002-07:002012-06-05T08:28:48.244-07:00<br />
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Went to the chiropractor today - a facebook conversation with my ex</h2>
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by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/richard.the.wolf" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;">Richard Wolfe</a> on Monday, June 4, 2012 at 9:33pm ·<span class="timelineUnitContainer" style="position: relative;"></span><br />
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I have been digging in my garden for several weeks. Lifting sidewalk blocks, digging up the hard dirt, .. bending and planting .. Some where in there I strained a muscle in my lower back just under the top of my left ass cheek. So when it took me 15 mins to get out of bed (this is not unusual but the pain was never this bad) .. and when I bent to pick up some food off the floor and beat the 2 second rule well .. I would have scared a Banshee. </div>
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so I called up the chiropractor and begged for death. </div>
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This is a short conversation with my ex, who knew of my "back" pains. </div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>went to the chiropractor today</em></div>
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<strong>My ex:</strong></div>
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Did he fix your ass?</div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>He had me hold a broomstick handle between my feet up over my belly and against my forhead between my eyes.. then he twisted me twice around it lengthwise</em></div>
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<em>and cuffed me to the examination table .. and my ankles too</em></div>
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<em>then he opened the door into the office</em></div>
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<em>and went to the far wall of the office</em></div>
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<em>Then he turned and ran and jumped high</em></div>
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<em>and did a flying elbow smash to my left ribs</em></div>
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<em>.. then my right pelvis</em></div>
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<em>Then he slammed again into my thigh .. bit of a Charlie horse on that one. but I should be able to walk in a few hours. </em></div>
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<strong>My ex:</strong></div>
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totally missed your ass eh?</div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>well lets say I couldnt feel that pain for 15 mins</em></div>
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<em>he said he normally goes for the balls on the third slam .. but mine were somehow receeded</em></div>
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<strong>My ex:</strong></div>
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scared ?</div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>nawww he wasnt scared one bit</em></div>
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<em>I was a bit nervous tho</em></div>
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<em>specially when my right big toe got caught in my left hip pocket</em></div>
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<strong>My ex:</strong></div>
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Next time pick an ass man.</div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>Ya thanks for the sympathy</em></div>
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<em>now quit laughing</em></div>
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<strong>My ex:</strong></div>
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I'm all sympathy. You know that.</div>
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When your ass hurts, my ass hurts.</div>
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<strong>Richard Wolfe says</strong></div>
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<em>I can feel the love</em></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-41615698564550531002012-06-01T08:38:00.001-07:002012-06-01T08:38:48.149-07:00<br />
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<strong>Fable of the porcupine</strong></div>
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<strong></strong></div>
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It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm.</div>
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This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. </div>
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After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. </div>
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So they had to make a choice; either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. </div>
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They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.</div>
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This way they were able to survive. </div>
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The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities. </div>
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The moral of the story is: </div>
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Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life! </div>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-88535256733618467602012-06-01T08:34:00.002-07:002012-06-01T08:34:58.990-07:00<br />
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Beautiful Arizona -- more sunshine than California!!</h2>
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Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!<br />
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.<br />
<strong>June 14th</strong><br />
Really
heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned
home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun
everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.<br />
<strong>June 30th</strong><br />
<br />
Had
the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.<br />
Another scorcher today, but I love it here..<br />
<strong>July 10th</strong><br />
The
temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used
to the heat is taking longer than I expected.<br />
<strong>July 15th</strong><br />
Fell
asleep by the community pool (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.<br />
<strong>July 20th</strong><br />
I
missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The
car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No
more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.<br />
<strong>July 25th</strong><br />
<br />
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!<br />
And
it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $500 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts..<br />
<strong>July 30th</strong><br />
Been sleeping outside on
the patio for 3 nights now. $350,000 house and I can't even go inside.
Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?<br />
<strong>Aug. 4th</strong><br />
It's
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$1,500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.<br />
<strong>Aug. 8th</strong><br />
If
another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!<br />
<strong>Aug. 9th</strong><br />
Tried
to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the
seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the
seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs
and ass Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.<br />
<strong>Aug 10th</strong><br />
The
weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months
and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it
ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my
$2,300 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus
can't live in this damn heat.<br />
<strong>Aug. 14th</strong><br />
Welcome
to HELL! Temperature got to 122 today.. Cactus are dead. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister
had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Fucking Arizona What kind
of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??<br />
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes…</div>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-59225184400727086062012-05-29T10:51:00.000-07:002015-08-27T11:37:49.446-07:00Books that have affected me <br />
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<strong>What books have been an influence in your life?</strong></div>
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<strong>After you have looked through this I challenge you to put up a list of your own .. with or without the commentary . :)</strong></div>
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Sometime last Fal<strong>l Lakota Phillips </strong> put up a challenge to write down the books that had had an influence on our lives. I was on vacation at the time and never got a chance to respond. I wrote out the list and forgot about it .. I just found the list so am posting it now</div>
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<li><strong>The Land that Time Forgot, The People that Time Forgot and Out of Times Abyss</strong> - A trilogy under one cover by Edgar Rice Burroughs .. It got me motivated to read voraciously.</li>
<li><strong>The Wailing Astroid</strong> – by Leister .. an early science fiction novel .. that later came true .. in some ways. </li>
<li><strong>Lorna Doone</strong> by Blackmore – Classical Romance .. cant remember the story very much but it made me realize classical novels were interesting too.</li>
<li><strong>Man, his Origin and Destiny</strong> by Joseph Fielding Smith .. first time I ever argued with a book. It was very good for me.</li>
<li><strong>A Marvellous Work and a Wonder</strong> by Grant. – an aha book.</li>
<li><strong>Jesus the Christ</strong> by Talmage .. – wow did he have a vocabulary .. and I learned a lot about scholarship.</li>
<li><strong>The Three Musketeers</strong> --- Historical Fun</li>
<li><strong>The Count of Monte Cristo</strong> .. ooo mysteries too</li>
<li><strong>The Bible</strong> .. specifically the Old testament .. started reading it to put myself to sleep .. got to the begats .. hmmmm dirty book .. read through Kings and Chronicles and suddenly found I knew more than most (no body reads the bible) .. and I learned to love it. .. and ponder .. and even think for myself .</li>
<li><strong>The Book of Mormon </strong>.. required reading for good Mormon boys .. .. .. this encouraged me to think and ponder for myself .. I never shied away from the big questions .. but I didn’t give up quickly either. .. shaped my philosophical beliefs regarding good and bad and helping the weak.</li>
<li><strong>Down the Long Hills </strong>– Louis Lamour – relaxation reading .. recently re-read it .. not nearly as good now as it seemed then. .. but it opened a genre of western novels to me. It made me proud to be a small town cowboy.</li>
<li><strong>1984 </strong>.. Orwell .. hmmm now this one made me think about communism .. and study more about Orwell. .. Not sure what I learned but it seems to stick in my mind. .. Big brother is alive and well today ..</li>
<li><strong>Passions of the Mind</strong> by Irving Stone .. emphasized the Intellectual courage that Freud had. He started seeing hidden truths that people did not want to know about. It takes a lot of courage to keep looking when society says Don’t. .. He knew there was something there so he kept probing. He opened the doors to the mind.</li>
<li><strong>Les Miserables</strong> - probably the best novel I have ever read .. this was story telling at its very best. Except for the chapter on the Battle of Waterloo.</li>
<li><strong> Grahame Greens Novel</strong> ..”Suffering and unhappiness are omnipresent in the world Greene depicts; and Catholicism is presented against a background of unvarying human evil, sin, and doubt. V. S. Pritchett praised Greene as the first English novelist since Henry James to present, and grapple with, the reality of evil.[26] Greene concentrated on portraying the characters' internal lives – their mental, emotional, and spiritual depths.” .(from Wikipedia) I cant remember the name of the novel I read .. It was about a lowly worker MI6.. (CIA Britain) and how the office was affected by an ongoing hunt for a traitor. .. it is very low key .. near the end of the book you suddenly discover that the main character who is describing the hurtful things that the spy is doing and causing .. is in fact the spy. .. Suddenly your mind has to do a total shift .. it is quite thrilling to watch your self do this. I have read one other book that did this.</li>
<li><strong>Crime and Punishment</strong> .. by Dostoyevsky .. I read this one in the dark .. in the middle of winter above the arctic circle in Norway .. time was becoming irrelevant .. and the darkness of this Novel invaded me. .. awesome feeling. .. scary even. .. but Dostoyevsky has a way of writing that still fascinates me.</li>
<li><strong>Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy</strong> .. John Le Carre .. and the sequel Smileys People ..Frumpy old George Smiley became so much more the hero than James Bond ever could be.</li>
<li><strong>Integral Trees</strong> .. Larry Niven .. Best “What if” book I have read. But I did like Vernor Vinges book “the Witling” too ..</li>
<li><strong>1917 / The birth of the Nazi Party / Confessions of an Economic Hitman</strong> .. 3 books . read in rapid succession .. Russian Revolution, Germanys revolution prior to Hitler .. and modern day America. .. wow for similarities .. and scary.</li>
<li><strong>Shock Doctrine</strong> .. Naomi Kline .. torture .. economics .. how the Corporatists are taking over.</li>
<li><strong>David D’Angelo</strong> .. dating book... more importantly .. an intro to Evolutionary Psychology.... I forgot the parts about picking up chicks .. but the Evolutionary Pscyhology still wanders through my mind. </li>
<li><strong>Napoleons Buttons</strong>. The history and interrelations of Chemical compounds. Gunpowder Nitroglycerin Alfred Nobel Heart medicine ... all related. Viagra. .. mandrake, witches brooms, mind medicines also all related.</li>
<li><strong>Quiet Flows the Don</strong> .and its sequel The Don Flows Home to The sea. .. Michael Sholokov .. became my favorite for a time .. Until Solshynitsyn said Sholokov didn’t write it . .. Story is about a Don Cossack boy who grows up during the Russian Revolution. His loves, his naiveté and his final successes against the backdrop of the Russian Revolution .. far better than Dr. Zivago.</li>
<li>Bjornsterne Bjornsen’s <strong> En Glad Gutt </strong>.. (A happy boy) .. the first book I ever read in a foreign language .. great training in culture.</li>
<li><strong>1491 </strong>– North America before the advent of the white man. .. New archeological advances show that the “Indians” were vastly different than we thought they were. Columbus brought disease on his first trip that wiped out 85% of the North and South American population within 15 years. Can you imagine the social upheaval . There is no wonder we don’t have records of these civilizations. When the explorers finally started looking round in the 1600s, these civilizations had been wiped out for 100 years, the people that remained had had 5 generations of confusion. The records were considered heathen. Archaeology was non-existent. </li>
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Hope you enjoyed the commentary .. I challenge you to put up a list of your own .. with or without the commentary .</div>
Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6732933381965028230.post-73860238149414672722012-05-29T10:42:00.003-07:002012-05-29T10:42:21.309-07:00<br />
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hard to find a joke today without a dirty word</h2>
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but</div>
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here is one:</div>
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small</div>
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tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,</div>
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'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'</div>
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The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the</div>
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sapling.</div>
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The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that</div>
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is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'</div>
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<br /></div>
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The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is</div>
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neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best</div>
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little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'</div>
</div>Richard Wolfhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02298811286448092732noreply@blogger.com0