Fumbling Fun

Points in Time where we experience JOY

2011-04-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Points in Time where we experience JOY

Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Nuclear Disasters, bankruptcies and world wide environmental disasters. Identity Theft, Flu Epidemics and Alzheimers. I can’t even do my own income tax or figure out how to run my “Entertainment Center”

I tend to be a happy guy. Why? .. then I saw this book by Neil Pasricha…. “The book of Awesome” and I knew why.

The following are gleaned from that book.

Wolfie

Flash points in my life where I feel joy.

1 Involking the Five Second Rule - any food dropped on the floor may be safely eaten if it is picked up within five seconds. It has been scientifically proven by the University of Illinois that if a floor is covered in Samonella or E Coli, you food will be covered in Samonella or E Coli even if it touched for a split second.. BUT that same university in Illinois study discovered that there is NO SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE of contamination coming from floors. Most contamination comes from counter tops, stove tops and the area around sinks.

2. The final seconds of untangling a really big knot in my electrical cord or water hose. Or solving a computer problem.

3. When a waiter or waitress brings a free refill without asking first.

4. Licking the cake batter off the beaters.

5. Standing in line for an hour only to be let in and suddenly realize you have your choice of the best seats in the house.

6.Using all the different shampoos and soaps in someone else’s shower.

7. The waxy smell of new crayons!

8. Rolling an Orange round on the table then peeling the skin off in one piece. Its always extra juicy .

9. When the socks coming out of the dryer all match up.

10. Waking up. Looking over at the alarm clock and realizing you can still sleep for another hour.

11. Clean white sheets on the bed.

12. The UFSP (Universal Fry Sharing Policy). I cant eat a full order of fries but I love that I can share yours. This even beats picking the perfect nacho off of someone else’s plate.

13. Tripping and realizing no on saw me. (even better .. falling on my butt on the ice and realizing that the only pain is to my butt .. my pride is untarnished)

14. The smell of fresh bread .. only to be out done by the smell of fresh homemade cinnamon buns.

15. Pushing an elevator button only to find its already there. Ding. AWESOME.

16. Finding an old CD on which you loaded 250 of your favorite MP3’s.

17. When youre awkwardly standing by yourself with a full tray of food at a cafeteria and suddenly see a friend waving at you to come join them.

18. High-fiving a kid

19. Seeing a cop on the side of the road only to realize you’re not speeding.

20. Watching a boy (or man) ask his sister to dance. (visa versa works too.)

Classy Insults

2011-04-04T07:30:00.000-07:00

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

1. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

2. "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

5. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

6. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

7. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

8. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

9. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

10. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

a. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

16. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

18. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

19. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

20. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

21. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

22. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

TRIVIA - the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft

2011-04-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

DID YOU KNOW?

Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach.

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst
mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil)
and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

2011-03-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

The Nursing home

2011-03-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had trouble with one of my loonies wanting her mother. So, I phoned my house cause I have an answering machine so she could talk to her mother. I gave her the phone, could hear my answering machine kick in and the old lady says, "Mom! Mom! Come get me. They won't let me out!"

After a few mins, the answering machine clicks off and the phone goes quiet but she still has the phone at her ear. After a moment the old lady starts talking to her mother as if there's someone on the other end of the phone. She's conversing away merrily, asking about her car, and her sister and her dad.

I'm trying to figure out if she really believes her mother is on the other end of the phone or if she's having me on, trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I'm also trying not to laugh.

I wait patiently until she takes the phone from her ear and ask for it back. No. I can't have it. (This is my work phone. I have to have it). I tell her that.

"Fuck off" she says, "Cocksucker." I'm always a cocksucker. "How did you know?" I ask.

"What?" she says.

"How did you know I was a cocksucker? Who told you?"

I get the long-suffering look of death, but granny won't give me the phone. I have no choice now but to take it physically away. She's not amused. "It's my phone," she cries as we wrestle for it, "I wouldn't think twice of putting a bomb under your chair." I win the wrestling match but it doesn't feel like a victory.

This is the same woman who told me I was the most wonderful person she'd met in here. But that was hours ago.

I'm turning around to leave the room and I hear from the doorway, "What're you staring at?" This is my new admission. History of aggression and agitation. Nice way of saying she'll bean you on the head when you're not looking. I mentally do checklist in my head of her drugs, seroquel, ativan and some other psych drug I can't remember. This woman used to be the booking nurse for the visiting specialists in town.

"How you doing Helen?" I ask, hoping my tone will invite camaraderie. "If you will just let me out that door," she points, "I will be on my way," she says. "I can't let you out yet Helen. It's really cold out there and your ride isn't here yet."

My boss comes rushing by. "Have we done a care plan yet?" She nuts? Have we had time to do anything yet but deal with behaviors? Yes but we have to write up a care plan so the staff knows how to deal with behaviors. I don't even know how to deal with these behaviors. Yes, the mighty care plan. It will be the standard read. Toileting regularly, offer snacks, lie her down so she isn't fatigued, distract, redirect. But what do you do when granny says, "I know what you're trying to do. You want to isolate me. You're holding me hostage. Where is my mother? What have you done with her? I want my mother. She wouldn't stand for this..."

I get the glare. "I used to work in a hospital you know? You can't keep me here."

"But you do remember that I would need a doctor's order to release you from care?" I ask hopeful that she'll remember this is basic practice.

"Asshole," she says.

I'm wondering if this is a promotion from cocksucker and decide it isn't.

Bet your day isn't nearly as much fun as this...

Garter Snakes can be dangerous in Cherry Grove.

2009-08-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...

A middle aged couple in Cherry Grove, Alberta had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, Belinda, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it warmed up, it slithered out very quietly and went exploring for bugs. Belinda happened to see it snake its way under the sofa. She screamed and none to silently either. Arnold, was in the shower after a long day of welding. He was just beginning to relax and feel comfortable when he heard the scream. He came running into the living room naked as a jay bird and flopping quite obsenely. He was feeling vulnerable but he was here to rescue the day. Belina was hysterical and was not making much sense but he got the part about he snake under the couch. Arnold wasn't into snakes but he was the man here (which was quite obvious at the moment).

Dripping wet and a bit cold, he got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look. He was fully expecting to see a fairly big snake all coiled up and waiting for his nakedness to appear. About that time, Woofie, the romantic Lab, the family dog, snuck up behind him and cold-nosed him. In his mind he knew the snake had bitten him. It happened so suddenly he yelled and jumped forward smacking his head on the end table. Arnold was out cold and Belinda thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, and called an ambulance.

The ambulance arrived just as he was coming to. The attendants rushed in and while ignoring his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher. Just as they started carrying him out in all his embarrassed splendor, the snake made a new appearance and came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it by her boot. She jumped and dropped her end of the stretcher. That's how Arnold broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

Belinda still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on Gordon, a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He knew all about snakes apparently. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told her so. She sat down on the sofa inrelief. While she was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions. Suddenly the snake was wriggling against the back of her hand. She screamed and fainted. The snake rushed back under the sofa.Gordon saw she had passed out. He decided she needed CPR to revive her. Gordon's wife, Sherie, had heard about the excitement from another neighbor and came over to help her husband. She arrived just in time to see her husband's mouth on Belindas lips. She slammed Gordie in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.

The noise woke Belinda from her faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She ran to the kitchen, phoned 911 and got a small bottle of whiskey. Shouldering her inexplicably belligerant neighbor aside, she began pouring some of the whiskey down Gordon's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Take a Breath Here......They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. Belinda explained about the how this had happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away Gordon and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa trying to make a run for it. One of the policemen was startled and drew his gun and fired. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered. It started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of Woofie, the family dog. Woofie, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. Belinda asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. _________________________________

How to give a cat a pill.

2009-07-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take awy taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard door on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve fucking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.
Tie the little bastard’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home, to order new dining table.
Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” ad in local newspaper and ring local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

Wrap it in bacon.

The Messiah (an opera in unending parts)

2009-07-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

“The Messiah” was interesting .. lol .... it was good but if I ever want to go again within my life time hand me a revolver with a single bullet in it will you.

Somehow I didn’t realize it was opera .. I thought it was a symphony performance .. I can take raw music .. but when they make it into stew as in opera .. well my musical taste buds felt like fingernails on a chalkboard… As music The Messiah is great .. as opera .. I was tapping my toe (no not with the music) .. and listening to my hair grow.

The conductor was about 5’ 3” in height .. but he got over that problem with hair .. not shoulder type long hair .. but poofed up back-combed stuff .. Lots of it .. made his head look very big .. but not his brain. .. He was a pompous little bugger ..(For example, he stopped everything to tell me to stop smacking my bubble gum. I kept my mouth shut when I chewed .. after that. .. So when he told me to stop blowing bubbles I told him to make up his mind!) Whenever there was a pause for the next stanza ..(They were more like chapters and there were 50 of them) he would turn to the audience and stick out his chest .. and bow (as much as his tightly strung girdle would allow) amid waves of thunderous applause .. from the guy in the 16th row left. .. who seemed to have the same haircut . At the half time he paused and smiled then without a word, jumped down from his 3’ platform to the stage .. and goose marched off .. followed by the other 4 opera squealers. (two men and two women who sat on the front edge of the stage in dress uniform .. evening gowns and tuxedos and took turns singing the ‘lines’. ) The lady facing me absolutely wouldn’t laugh .. My whole family .. all 5 boys and my daughter and myself were screwing faces at her. .. Giving her the finger .. picking boogers out of our noses .. she still didn’t laugh or even smile .. till my son did some silly pantomime and fell backwards offh the back of his seat. She smiled .. and her make-up cracked!

I didn’t know this but you probably knew that there is no rhyming or melody allowed in opera .. especially if they sing in English … but they are allowed to repeat the same line 5 and 6 times at variable tones.. which sort of passes for rhyming …. in some circles .. I guess.

The part I liked best was the part where the audience was supposed to snore … there were these two guys in front … who were able to snore in harmony .. They might have been a bit loud but during the “hallelujah chorus” we could barely hear them cause the choir was booming so loud

and honest .. I had read that we are supposed to ‘sing along’ during the hallelujah chorus. And I know over half the words too. ….. But the conductor said that he didn’t need my help in getting audience participation.

and then at the end when the conductor got a bucket of roses on his regulation 2nd encore I was a bit miffed .. I figured the lady with the ‘cracked make-up’ was more deserving!!! .. Even though she didn’t come back for the encore.

2009-07-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

The Three Bares with apologies to Robert W. Service ( I think )
Share
This was just too funny not to share!! Im not sure its his but I like the style

Ma tried to wash her garden slacks but couldn't get 'em clean
She decided that she would soak 'em in a bucket o' gasoline.
It worked all right. She wrung 'em out then wondered what she'd do
With such a heavy bucket load of explosive residue.

She knew that it was dangerous to scatter it around,
For Grandpa liked to throw his matches on the ground.
Somehow she didn't dare to 'down the kitchen sink',
Just what the heck to do with it, poor Ma, she couldn't think.

Then Nature seemed to give the clue, as down the garden lot
She spied the revered edifice that graced a sacred spot,
Their Palace of Necessity, the family joy and pride,
Enshrined in morning-glory vine, with graded seats inside;

Jest like that cabin Goldylocks found occupied by three,
But in this case B-E-A-R was B-A-R-E----
A tiny seat for Baby Bare, a medium for Ma,
A full-sized section dedicated to the Bare of Pa

Well, Ma was mighty glad to get that worry off her mind,
And hefting up the bucket so combustibly inclined,
She hurried down the garden to that refuge so discreet,
And dumped the liquid menace safely through the centre seat.

Next morning old Grandpa arose; and before he broke is fast
He rubbed his eyes and wandered down, three sheets upon the mast
He 'marked that "Darned, this morning, it do smell as fresh as paint;
with all that cheese from yester eve I'm not sure if i c'aint;

To smoke me pipe an' meditate, an' maybe write a pome,
For that's the time when bits o' rhyme gits jiggin' in me dome.'
He sat down on that special seat slicked shiny by his age,
And looking just like Walt Whitman, a silver-whiskered sage,

He filled his corn-cob to the brim and tapped it snugly down,
And chuckled: `Of a perfect day, I reckon this the crown.'
He lit his weed, it soothed his need, it was so soft and sweet:
And then he dropped the lighted match clean through the middle seat.

His little grand-child, Rosyleen, cried from the kitchen door:
Oh, Grandma, come quick; there's sompin wrong; I heared a dreadful roar;
Oh, Grandma, I see a sheet of flame; it's rising high and higher...
Oh, Grandma dear, I sadly fear our comfort's caught afire.'

Poor Ma was filled with horror, at them words o' Rosyleen.
She thought of Grandpa's matches and the bucket of benzine;
So down to the garden geared on high, she ran with all her power,
For regular was Grandpa, and she knew it was his hour.

Then graspin' gaspin' Rosyleen she peered into the fire,
A roarin' soarin' furnace now, perchance old Grandpa's pyre....
But as them twain expressed their pain they heard a hearty cheer----
and beheld the old rapscallion squattin' in the duck pond near,

His silver whiskers singed away, a gosh-almighty wreck,
W i' half a yard o' toilet seat entwined about his neck....
He cried: `Say, folks, oh, did ye hear the big blow-out I made?
But now I best be crawlin' out this dag nabbit wet....
For what I aim to figger is----Just what the heck I et?'

the 'lectric fence

2009-07-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

Now I didnt write this .. but I loved it. It was one of those pieces going around the internet so the author himself probably doesnt know whos it is. But it will pull belly laughs from deep inside you .

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence..

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right)..

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (I still don't understand this....)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm tingly feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow

Cottonwood Hollow

2009-07-22T19:33:00.000-07:00

My ex and I get along sometimes. And I always got along great with her family. So I got invited to the wedding of her niece. It was a strange situation all around .. let me set up the scene first. The story is totally dependant on the scene and the characters so you will enjoy the set up as much as the punch line.

1. the Wedding is an Outer Limits Affair.
This neice was a small town girl and she was marrying a small farming community boy. The reception was at a little community called 'Cottonwood Hollow' located about 25 miles east of 'Warm Lake' which is just the other side of the end of the earth. Cottonwood Hollow is not really a town. It has no store, just a community hall and a church. It is a very tight knit (translation "inbred" group of farmers).

Also part of this senario is the fact that I grew up in a small town (about 200 times bigger than Cottonwood Hollow - "Canadaville" population 10,000) about 100 miles to the south. Due to my church background, 40 years ago, I had known 'everyone' in Cottonwood Hollow. I mean everyone! So while I was related to the bride, I was all but related to the grooms family too. (Woulda been, if Ruby M. had caught me on the hay ride many years ago. ) This was gonna be a Canadian Appalacian wedding!!!

2. The Wedding is a Homey Affair.
So the wedding progressed. The master of ceremonies at these things is no expert and this one couldnt tell jokes without insulting people. The father of the groom cried inconsolably. The mother of the bride (my ex sis in law) was 6 months divorced. The Father of the bride had brought his new wife. The reverend was a brother of my sisters childhood friend twice removed and three times fattened up for market. The matron saint in charge of the food was the only sane element in this super friendly event of a lifetime. I had always liked her cause she made the best potato salad in the world and she could organize the important stuff at a function like this.

3. The Family I was with is a bit strange (present tense used on purpose)
Now a bit more of the color here. My ex sister in law, the one who is recently divorced, the one who is the mother of the bride, is feeling pretty down at having to look at her ex husband and his new wife. (The father met his new wife met on the internet before he left my sister-in-law.) My S-i-L foresaw this so she "brung her own cavalier." This 'cavalier' was a rather stiff 50 year ol bachelor accountant. He's Ichabod Crane incarnate and hes totally out of his element. Nice guy that he is, hes trying to fit in, but he wants to talk about balanced books and insurance. We all treat him like family. And so do the familys at the wedding. The Cottonwood Hollow Clan is nothing if its not hospitable. He was having a great time with all these new but strange friends.

4. The dance is old-time-informal
After the meal they cleared out the middle of the room and brought in the band: "The Wailing Henrys". YeeeeeeeeeeeeeHawwwwwwwwww it was going to be a wild knee slapping dance. And it was .. and it was fun. Great fun. Like we had when I was a kid.

Now the Story:
So now here we are. A wedding dance just over the boundary of civilization. Having a great time .. 5 polkas, 3 walzes and two Beatles into the evening, when someone calls for the "funky chicken dance". This is kinda like the macarena .. but not. .. kinda like the butterfly .. but not... or maybe the conga .. nope not really that either. .. anyway its where we all line up, usually male female order, and glide/slide around the dance floor flapping our elbows and flying with our hands out wide .. super fun. My ex is behind me and my ex sister in law is in front with her 'accountant friend' in front of her.

We are doing the funky chicken when my ex leans forward and tells me that her sister is feeling low. "Let's get her mind off her problems".

(My antenna went up at that .. wondering what are you trying to get me into now?) ..

"Goose her!!" says my ex.

The dance is moving .. I was thinking .. okay .. lets see where this goes. So I goosed her. (pinched her butt for the uninitiated.) .. She jumped .. and turned to scowl at me. Thinking quickly, I looked back innocently and replied " What???? .. dont you guys do that down south?" ...

She didnt say a word but just kept funking. I reached forward and goosed her again. She turned around ready for battle.

I looked at her innocently and said "You're supposed to pass it on!!"

She looked at me a bit confused.

"Pass it on!!" I encouraged her indicating her cavalier/escort/accountant friend.

When she leaned forward and goosed him I almost laughed.

He turned around and looked at her funny-like. surprised.. flattered... confused .. not knowing what to think or do.

She whispered to him in a voice loud enough that I could hear it. "It's what they do here!!! .. You're supposed to pass it on. " ..

He smiled a big willing smile and turned around and immeadiately pinched the ass of the lady in front of him. ... .

They still tell the story in Cottonwood Hollow of how big Ellen Hatch knocked out the skinny accountant at the wedding, with just one blow.

I crumpled to the floor beside him, laughing so hard my legs gave out.

This story is mostly true .. I was there .. :)

RTW

Speaking Farsi

2009-01-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

I wiped out my knee the night before last .. so have wrapped it in a tensor bandage both nights while I slept .. When I woke up .. both mornings.... it felt fine .. I'd smile .. and get ready for another exciting day at the office ... then I would get on the bus, carefully not running and avoiding any hint of ice. .. About half way to work my knee would be aching .. and I would favor it .. at the expense of the other knee .. a bit .. not bad ... Then this morning .. I'm almost to work ... rounding the last corner and office building in sight .. the man with the checkered flag is waiting .. I'm picking up speed for the final burst of energy to take me through the door .. 200 ft .. 150 ft .. 100 ... and I didnt see the ice across the alley entrance .. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... BANG .. down on both knees ... hard .. excruciating pain .. but did I cry .. nooooo! .. Did I yell out!!!! . nooooooo... .. did I fall on the ground and writhe .. noooooooooo. ..I maintained my dignity!.. I was tough! .. I was strong! .. I was MAN see me roar!.......besides I was on my knees and any movement at all would cause more pain....... I even managed to conjure up a smile when a building security lady walked up to me a little bit later and said ... "Sir Its probably not a good idea for you to say your prayers in the middle of the alley like that. By the way, was that strange language you were whispering.. Farsi?"

Subway Flirt

2009-01-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

(This is an adaptation of a real life incident .. yes there is some exaggeration .. and yes its not strictly true .. but it is probably more true of what was going on in our minds than a dry descriptive piece would be)

I was waiting for the subway a couple of weeks back. It had been a long day

I was sitting on one of those cement islands and happened to glance up from my book when two women came up.

One was about my age .. the other was a very young mother. The one about my age (older one) was dressed in very high heels, tight pants and a tight top. She had long flowing black hair and a wide smile as she walked past me .. swinging her hips. .. She was pushing an empty baby buggy. … The young mother was carrying the baby. .. The older lady was skinny as a post. Her tight pants clearly showed that she had no butt ..I don't mean she had a small ass. She didnt have any ass at all!!! .. two legs going up into a belted waist. Alcohol …or drugs…. had not treated her well. .

Because I had smiled (I have this smiling habit ..have been trying to cut down but cant seem to quit.) The older woman saw the smile and responded as she stopped directly in front of me. She said .. “Im just pushing this for my daughter!!”

I thought .. "she doesn’t want me to think its hers .. She was 50 years old"!!!

I smiled and being in a particularly happy mood I said jokingly .. “Ahhh I had wondered!” .. Whoops .. That could be interpreted as a slim (stage 1) flirt!!! .. and it was!!!!

She saw the pass .. it was a long shot into left field but she was going for it .. and she wasn’t a wide receiver, (not even a fullback .. more of a tight end) .. but she understood the game.

“Yes but Im just taking care of it while she cant. I enjoy pushing heavy things! (definitely stage 2 material)” she flirted back.

and then I made the error .. I heard my mouth reacting .. before my brain had time to process it .. “Do you need help with that? (An unconscious habitual stage 3!! .. what am I thinking?) “

She caught the pass and ran with it .. “well yes I could use a hand “ the undertone was pure clear unadulterated double entendre!!! (yep you guessed it . she jumped stage 4 and went right to a stage 5 zinger!!)

So I stapled my lips shut and just smiled.

She pranced in front of me for the next 5 mins ( just short of a hundred years) while the platform filled up .. .. swinging her narrow hips .. and attempting “eye lock” .. (Stage 7!!!)

I slipped into the subway when it finally came and dove for the corner …. and she followed me in .. pressing the buggy cornerways in front of me .. blocking my only exit .. and waiting for me to ask the implied invitation. (a level 2 introduction!!! are you kidding me!!)

Two stops down the track I caved .. at the knees .. and crawled toward her …then between her legs… and out the door,.. and RAN for the exit.

I haven’t taken the subway since and I live in mortal fear. Traumatic Experiences... a near miss ..

Neighbor Hyde

2008-12-30T13:03:00.000-08:00

(This is a very funny story about a conflict between neighbors caused by a dog!!! It had be laughing when I wrote it and I hope it makes you pee your pants. It started out as a totally different story about a lady looking for a job as a house sitter. The original Idea disappeared and the dog wanted out.)

There was another yellow spot on the lawn! The neighbor had been walking his dog again. Always ticked me off. So I went looking. The darn thing always left more than 3 lbs of kielbasa-shaped dog crap. I knew it had to be here somewhere. It always was. The neighbor was a pompous bugger with a special love for us. He would never have let his dog drop it on anyone else's lawn. I found it and scooped it up and dumped it in the white plastic garbage bag containing the sum total of the last three days 'puppy chow'; maybe 15 lbs.

The neighbor had a pure bred dog, part Afghan hound, part St. Bernard, part German Shepherd. The Afghan genes obviously dominated his intelligence, coloring and general shape. He had the St. Bernards size, 'output volume' and drool. The German Shepherd showed through in ears, tail and attitude. This was one ugly dog.

Mr. Hyde was one ugly neighbor too. We used to joke about how Dr. Jekyll was never home. Like the dog, this guy was a pure bred cross. I could see elements of Bella Lugosi, Peter Lorre, and Yul Brynner in his genes. Lugosi's face, Lorry's snivel and a Yul Brynner strut.

He loved to brag about his 'house-trained' dog. Heck yeah, house trained is right! He had trained the dog to go to my house. He would open the door. The dog would sniff the air, come out the door, take the steps 2 at a time, bound across the lawn, jump the hedge with about 2 ft to spare, and do an inspection tour of my lawn before he chose a spot to leave his mark on the world. To add insult to injury the dog would turn his back on the pile and kick up clods of my fresh mown sod with his back feet in a useless attempt to cover his donation.

My lawn was in serious need of saving.

I decided defensive tactics were in order. My brother-in-law is a know-it-all. Just ask my mother-in-law or my wife. He knows everything there is to know. He said just throw the dog crap back on the neighbors own lawn. I tried that. I found a key scratch all down the side of my new volvo the next morning. I kinda knew what that message was saying. It spelled out "Don’t mess with me." in nice big scratchy letters. I was mad and in a mood to be much more destructive but my natural cowardice took precedence, for now .

My brother-in-law was enraged for me. He figured I should walk up to the neighbors door, ring his doorbell, and punch his lights out. I thought it was a great idea but since I was going to be away that day I asked my brother-in-law if he would do it for me. He didn’t even pause when he said "Maybe its not such a great idea." My mother-in-law agreed with him. She had agreed with him when he first suggested the 'punch his lights out' approach too. My brother in law then suggested 'pepper'. Okay, that sounded better than the 'lights out' scheme ..

So the very next day I bought 3 large cans of Malkin's Black Pepper . (Somehow I didn’t think bell peppers or even Jalapenos would do.) ( During the middle ages black pepper was more valuable than gold. .. Now too!!) I spread it all over the lawn, side to side and corner to corner .. I spread it thick. Im sure it would have worked if that freak 'sneezing' storm hadn't come up and stole my thunder. I could hardly believe it. Twenty minutes after I laid out my defensive carpet a wind arose blowing away from Hyde's place. People complained about that freak storm for months. They wondered what caused all the sneezing. They wondered how every resident of every house for 2 blocks down the street erupted in fits of uncontrollable sneezing. Even the cats ran away. I thought they were goners. They didn’t come back. The fat lady next door had to be hospitalized, but she lost 20 pounds in a week long sneezing fit. Two older gentlemen were hospitalized after a fight that broke out when one of them sneezed the poker pot off the table. I stay silent thought out the rumors. I figured with all the serious complaints people had about the storm I didn’t have to compain about my relatively unimportant loss of three Kg. of black pepper. No one ever did find out the source of the black specks of pepper spread through the next two blocks.

Then one day when my brother in law and I were out watching the kids play soccer he brought out a grocery bag and we lazed back in our lawn chairs with two kinds of cheese, some pepperoni and some crackers. It was a great impromptu lunch. The real thing he gave me that afternoon however, was the gift of revenge. When we got back to the house with our respective sons , soccer sweat and muddy boots he complained to my wife, his sister, that he had eaten enough cheese to wreck 3 years worth of Metamucil. We all laughed at his line but then I saw the light. Cheese worked like a plug. I knew exactly where a plug like that might work. That night I bought 3 kilos of mild Cheddar.

The dog didn’t like cheddar. It ignored the cheddar.

This was strange for me .. I remembered my dog as a kid .. Loved cheese. My Norwegian relatives sent us some Norwegian Gamle Ost one year. (Gamle Ost translates rather innocently to 'Old Cheese') This translation doesn’t carry with it the mortal fear children in Norway have for this dark brown cheese with the strong odor and bite like a snake. We have boogey men. They have 'Gamel Ost'. When the parcel delivery guy arrived with a package from my mothers Norwegian cousins, my dog barked and waged his tail with obvious excitement. And the package had been triple wrapped in cellophane and sprayed with 'Evening in Paris' eau de toilette. As we unwrapped it layer by layer, our poor mongrel border collie had gotten increasingly agitated. When we opened the top of the box we got the full force of a smell enhanced by a months unrefrigerated trip across the North Atlantic. The sweet concentrated odor of sweat socks and sewer treatment plants wafted past our nostrils summoning tears of sentimental joy. My father said "What the Hell… " (He never swore.) and tossed the whole package as far as he could out the back door toward the alley. The dog was in full stride when it went between his legs and jumped a full 10 feet from the back steps. The dog reached its prey and soon had the cardboard box ripped to shreds. By the time I got to the door to watch, she was rolling deliciously in the soft brown crumbly 'old cheese'. 'Eau d' Paris pour les Chiens' - whewwwww. Since that day I have known that dogs love cheese .. And the greater the smell the greater the desire. I needed more smell.

The next day I went to the German Grocery Store. I had seen Gamle Ost there once before. I was in luck they still had the same one (I remember the date was from 3 years previous to the first visit.).. And this was 9 months later. .. This Gamle Ost was OLD!! … and it still had its special sale price. But only 500 gms .. I would have to mix it with the Cheddar. So I stopped off at the army surplus store for a gasmask.

Two trial asphyxiations and three baths in salt water later the cheese was on the fenced off lawn. The paint was blistering on that side of the house when the neighbor let his dog out. In a split second it was rolling in the cheese. The wake of the widening smell of fermented cheese attracted every dog for blocks. I smiled. I watched while the hound gulped down all 3 and a half kilos of thick cheese.

We didn’t get much sleep that night .. Cause the dog spent the night in the neighbor's back yard howling its head off. I got up and marinated a 2 kilo of ground beef .. In castor oil. About 6 am I tossed the very oily raw hamburger over the back fence. The dog quieted down for a bit .. About an hour later I heard the neighbor swearing up a storm as he used plenty of soap and water on the beast. I smiled.

I listened quietly on the other side of the hedge. I smelled talcum power and Irish Spring but I was waiting for the inevitable. My waiting was in vain. Nothing happened! The cheese was not going to surrender to the hamburger easily. Finally after the sun had been up long enough to dry the dog off I watched from behind the back screen door as Hyde let the dog in. I could see that he had sheered the dog like a sheep. …the dog was moving a bit more sluggishly but Hyde gave no complaints. Obviously, the dog smelled better .

I was suddenly struck with terror. Any minute now that dog was going to scratch at the front door to be let out to do its thing, in my front yard!!!! .. Crap and double crap. What could I do?

I panicked. We were all going to die .. I only had one gas mask. We had to move .. Fast. I mean really move. Pack up our belongings. Armageddon was here. A smell worse than fire and brimstone would soon permeate the yard. No one would buy our house. Visions of Chernobyl forced themselves on my mind. The need to defend my castle came next. Did we have any bear spray left over from holidays... Maybe I could hold off the beast. .. A sword .. A cross bow .. Anything .. And then it came to me .. Pepper .. .. Maybe it would work. .. I raced to the kitchen… and raided the spice cupboard until I found a small half full pepper bottle. It would have to do. I was at war.

I raced from the house and bounded over the intervening hedge .. Almost tripping as I caught my foot on the branches as I went through a particularly thin section. I landed on one foot and kept going as I stooped beneath his picture window to his front step. I quickly dumped the half bottle of black pepper in a pile on the Welcome mat. I turned and headed for the hedge, stooping under the picture window and doing a swan dive over the top. Somersaulting to my feet and looking to find my garden shovel to fend the beast off.

As I found the shovel by the flower bed beside the house I scurried back just in time to hear the neighbors front door opening. I braced for the onslaught. .. Looking through a small gap in the hedge I watched as the dog started out the door. He stopped and sniffed. He then lowered his head and got a good whiff of the strange material he smelled .. And he sneezed.. And did he sneeze!!!! As he backed into the house in panic. .. The door was still open as I heard him heave in great lung crushing sneezes. Gut squeezing sneezes. Sphincter loosening sneezes. Great brown gob shooting sneezes. And I hear chaos. I heard Hyde swearing. I heard a dog yelping, sneezing as it ran around the house to avoid its angry master. I heard a continual sneezing as furniture made way. A lamp crashed. Through the window I saw Hyde slip and fall. Visions of Chernobyl... And I smiled. ...

Epilogue.

Hyde moved out. His house was up for sale for over 6 months but it finally sold. The new neighbor was a opportunist who bought it as a fixer upper to be flipped. He did major renovations but finally had to sell for a loss when the market fell. The older couple who finally got the house more than a year later, are great neighbors. They have two yappy little Maltese dogs. I think they like cheese.