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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Speaking Farsi

I wiped out my knee the night before last .. so have wrapped it in a tensor bandage both nights while I slept .. When I woke up .. both mornings.... it felt fine .. I'd smile .. and get ready for another exciting day at the office ... then I would get on the bus, carefully not running and avoiding any hint of ice. .. About half way to work my knee would be aching .. and I would favor it .. at the expense of the other knee .. a bit .. not bad ... Then this morning .. I'm almost to work ... rounding the last corner and office building in sight .. the man with the checkered flag is waiting .. I'm picking up speed for the final burst of energy to take me through the door .. 200 ft .. 150 ft .. 100 ... and I didnt see the ice across the alley entrance .. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... BANG .. down on both knees ... hard .. excruciating pain .. but did I cry .. nooooo! .. Did I yell out!!!! . nooooooo... .. did I fall on the ground and writhe .. noooooooooo. ..I maintained my dignity!.. I was tough! .. I was strong! .. I was MAN see me roar!.......besides I was on my knees and any movement at all would cause more pain....... I even managed to conjure up a smile when a building security lady walked up to me a little bit later and said ... "Sir Its probably not a good idea for you to say your prayers in the middle of the alley like that. By the way, was that strange language you were whispering.. Farsi?"

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Subway Flirt

(This is an adaptation of a real life incident .. yes there is some exaggeration .. and yes its not strictly true .. but it is probably more true of what was going on in our minds than a dry descriptive piece would be)

I was waiting for the subway a couple of weeks back. It had been a long day

I was sitting on one of those cement islands and happened to glance up from my book when two women came up.

One was about my age .. the other was a very young mother. The one about my age (older one) was dressed in very high heels, tight pants and a tight top. She had long flowing black hair and a wide smile as she walked past me .. swinging her hips. .. She was pushing an empty baby buggy. … The young mother was carrying the baby. .. The older lady was skinny as a post. Her tight pants clearly showed that she had no butt ..I don't mean she had a small ass. She didnt have any ass at all!!! .. two legs going up into a belted waist. Alcohol …or drugs…. had not treated her well. .

Because I had smiled (I have this smiling habit ..have been trying to cut down but cant seem to quit.) The older woman saw the smile and responded as she stopped directly in front of me. She said .. “Im just pushing this for my daughter!!”

I thought .. "she doesn’t want me to think its hers .. She was 50 years old"!!!

I smiled and being in a particularly happy mood I said jokingly .. “Ahhh I had wondered!” .. Whoops .. That could be interpreted as a slim (stage 1) flirt!!! .. and it was!!!!

She saw the pass .. it was a long shot into left field but she was going for it .. and she wasn’t a wide receiver, (not even a fullback .. more of a tight end) .. but she understood the game.

“Yes but Im just taking care of it while she cant. I enjoy pushing heavy things! (definitely stage 2 material)” she flirted back.

and then I made the error .. I heard my mouth reacting .. before my brain had time to process it .. “Do you need help with that? (An unconscious habitual stage 3!! .. what am I thinking?) “

She caught the pass and ran with it .. “well yes I could use a hand “ the undertone was pure clear unadulterated double entendre!!! (yep you guessed it . she jumped stage 4 and went right to a stage 5 zinger!!)

So I stapled my lips shut and just smiled.

She pranced in front of me for the next 5 mins ( just short of a hundred years) while the platform filled up .. .. swinging her narrow hips .. and attempting “eye lock” .. (Stage 7!!!)

I slipped into the subway when it finally came and dove for the corner …. and she followed me in .. pressing the buggy cornerways in front of me .. blocking my only exit .. and waiting for me to ask the implied invitation. (a level 2 introduction!!! are you kidding me!!)

Two stops down the track I caved .. at the knees .. and crawled toward her …then between her legs… and out the door,.. and RAN for the exit.

I haven’t taken the subway since and I live in mortal fear. Traumatic Experiences... a near miss ..