Points in Time where we experience JOY

Flash points in my life where I felt joy.

1 Involking the Five Second Rule - any food dropped on the floor may be safely eaten if it is picked up within five seconds. It has been scientifically proven by the University of Illinois that if a floor is covered in Samonella or E Coli, you food will be covered in Samonella or E Coli even if it touched for a split second.. BUT that same university in Illinois study discovered that there is NO SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE of contamination coming from floors. Most contamination comes from counter tops, stove tops and the area around sinks.

2. The final seconds of untangling a really big knot in my electrical cord or water hose. Or solving a computer problem.

3. When a waiter or waitress brings a free refill without asking first.

4. Licking the cake batter off the beaters.

5. Standing in line for an hour only to be let in and suddenly realize you have your choice of the best seats in the house.

6.Using all the different shampoos and soaps in someone else’s shower.

7. The waxy smell of new crayons!

8. Rolling an Orange round on the table then peeling the skin off in one piece. Its always extra juicy .

9. When the socks coming out of the dryer all match up.

10. Waking up. Looking over at the alarm clock and realizing you can still sleep for another hour.

11. Clean white sheets on the bed.

12. The UFSP (Universal Fry Sharing Policy). I cant eat a full order of fries but I love that I can share yours. This even beats picking the perfect nacho off of someone else’s plate.

13. Tripping and realizing no on saw me. (even better .. falling on my butt on the ice and realizing that the only pain is to my butt .. my pride is untarnished)

14. The smell of fresh bread .. only to be out done by the smell of fresh homemade cinnamon buns.

15. Pushing an elevator button only to find its already there. Ding. AWESOME.

16. Finding an old CD on which you loaded 250 of your favorite MP3’s.

17. When youre awkwardly standing by yourself with a full tray of food at a cafeteria and suddenly see a friend waving at you to come join them.

18. High-fiving a kid

19. Seeing a cop on the side of the road only to realize you’re not speeding.

20. Watching a boy (or man) ask his sister to dance. (visa versa works too.)

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. 1 A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." 2 "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 3 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr 4 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill 5 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow 6 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 7 "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas 8 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain 9 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde 1 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill a. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. 11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop 12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright 13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb 14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson 15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating 16. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker 18. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain 19. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 210. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 211. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 212. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

TRIVIA - the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft

DID YOU KNOW?


Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach.

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst
mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil)
and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight


In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

The Nursing home

Yesterday I had trouble with one of my loonies wanting her mother. So, I phoned my house cause I have an answering machine so she could talk to her mother. I gave her the phone, could hear my answering machine kick in and the old lady says, "Mom! Mom! Come get me. They won't let me out!"

After a few mins, the answering machine clicks off and the phone goes quiet but she still has the phone at her ear. After a moment the old lady starts talking to her mother as if there's someone on the other end of the phone. She's conversing away merrily, asking about her car, and her sister and her dad.

I'm trying to figure out if she really believes her mother is on the other end of the phone or if she's having me on, trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I'm also trying not to laugh.

I wait patiently until she takes the phone from her ear and ask for it back. No. I can't have it. (This is my work phone. I have to have it). I tell her that.

"Fuck off" she says, "Cocksucker." I'm always a cocksucker. "How did you know?" I ask.

"What?" she says.

"How did you know I was a cocksucker? Who told you?"

I get the long-suffering look of death, but granny won't give me the phone. I have no choice now but to take it physically away. She's not amused. "It's my phone," she cries as we wrestle for it, "I wouldn't think twice of putting a bomb under your chair." I win the wrestling match but it doesn't feel like a victory.

This is the same woman who told me I was the most wonderful person she'd met in here. But that was hours ago.

I'm turning around to leave the room and I hear from the doorway, "What're you staring at?" This is my new admission. History of aggression and agitation. Nice way of saying she'll bean you on the head when you're not looking. I mentally do checklist in my head of her drugs, seroquel, ativan and some other psych drug I can't remember. This woman used to be the booking nurse for the visiting specialists in town.

"How you doing Helen?" I ask, hoping my tone will invite camaraderie. "If you will just let me out that door," she points, "I will be on my way," she says. "I can't let you out yet Helen. It's really cold out there and your ride isn't here yet."

My boss comes rushing by. "Have we done a care plan yet?" She nuts? Have we had time to do anything yet but deal with behaviors? Yes but we have to write up a care plan so the staff knows how to deal with behaviors. I don't even know how to deal with these behaviors. Yes, the mighty care plan. It will be the standard read. Toileting regularly, offer snacks, lie her down so she isn't fatigued, distract, redirect. But what do you do when granny says, "I know what you're trying to do. You want to isolate me. You're holding me hostage. Where is my mother? What have you done with her? I want my mother. She wouldn't stand for this..."

I get the glare. "I used to work in a hospital you know? You can't keep me here."

"But you do remember that I would need a doctor's order to release you from care?" I ask hopeful that she'll remember this is basic practice.

"Asshole," she says.

I'm wondering if this is a promotion from cocksucker and decide it isn't.

Bet your day isn't nearly as much fun as this...