Root Canal

I went into the dentist yesterday, to get a root canal -- surprised I needed one -- but anyway .. Dentists have to live too right? (Anyone who disagrees with this statement, join me at midnight under the old elm tree -- bring your sheets and pointy hats.)  

Anyway, I showed up promptly at 6:30 a.m. (dentists obviously don’t use Facebook; besides, he had his golf clubs in the corner and told me he had an appointment to get out on the links at 1 p.m.).  I was ushered in by his wife who was his assistant... and who was wearing the black outfit with the pentagram prominently displayed across her chest. She was very nice. (but scarry .. I think it was the lip piercings or the facial tattoos)

The dentist walked in and tightened up the restraints on my chair. He made sure the buckles over my wrists were secured. He then pressed a pedal on the floor behind the chair and my chair tipped backwards--‘til my feet were 4 feet above my head. He said, “Now, this isn’t going to hurt,” as he stuck his gloved finger in my mouth... under my front lip... and rubbed back and forth. Oil of Cloves it was not! but it tasted that bad!!. He kept telling me NOT to suck his finger. : (  I thought thats what he wanted!!! .

He then pulled out a needle -- it was about 12 inches long -- and screwed it into a 2-ft plunger type apparatus. He commented that this was his favorite needle because you could stick a horse with it and the horse would not complain. I couldn’t make the connection either. He then stuck the needle into a bucket of green liquid.that looked like green antifreeze but I suspected it was embalming fluid. When he pulled the plunger part up, the bucket emptied into the needle. He held it up and tapped it to make sure there were no air bubbles in it, then he squirted a bit in the air -- more for effect than anything.  The hygienist, who happened to be limping by, fell to the floor claiming that he had hit her other leg this time. She dragged herself off in the direction of another hysterical patient. I vaguely heard her telling her screaming patient that she would have to postpone for an hour until she could walk again.

That’s about when I felt the dentist grab my upper lip and stretch it out toward the wall. He hooked it to a bungie cord he had hanging there. Then I felt the horse needle penetrate the my inner lip right where it sits under my nose. I coudlnt see much cause my lip was in the way.  He pushed down saying, "There that didn't hurt, did it?"

Heck no, I thought,  A pit bull ripping off my lip would hurt more... I think.  

Suddenly, I felt a twitch in my eye, and he whispered to his wife, "I think I just severed his optic nerve!"  A little more  loudly to me he said, "Don’t worry, sir, you should be able to see again in a week or two."

Then he seemed to meet some kind of resistance, so he asked his wife to hold the needle while he climbed up on his chair to  use his foot on the plunger .. pushing the needle through the resistance. When it popped and moved forward an inch, his wife said to him, a bit crossly I thought, "Honey, you just perforated the chair again."   Then he  had to yank the needle upward through my skull cap up toward my nose before he loaded all my sinuses with green antifreeze. My left eye went cross-eyed. He tells me that should go back when the freezing comes out.  It didn’t bother me too much at the time because my thinking was all fuzzy. (Actually, I was hallucinating about little fire nymphs sliding out my nose.)  The Doctor said quietly to me, "You may feel a bit of discomfort when the freezing comes out. Most of it will drain out through your nose but some will use your tear ducts. You won’t feel it for the first while. Try to remember to keep wiping your eyes and nose even if your face it dead. “  He talked so calmly. I’m sure one of us was hypnotized. I’m not sure if it was him or me.

He then slapped my face--hard--and asked me if I could feel that. I said "no" (there was no way I was going to tell him I could feel a bit on the tip of my nose).  But, he noticed me twitch, so he said .. "Honey, can you kick him in the face down there just to see if he has feeling... for me?"  His preposition was dangling. Wasn’t it?  Somehow, he had me correcting his grammar as I was hallucinating.

Then he got out his drill. It wasn’t the ordinary dentist’s drill .. this was one from Home Depot .. Black and Decker I think .. small .. but would take ¼-inch bits.  He used it to clean out the hole. That was ok because he only used a 1/16-inch metal (and bone) bit. He did have to pry my mouth open a bit more, but he had a special tool for that .. a small 12-inch pry bar called "Deep Throat".   And because the cord was short he kept pulling it out of the wall while he was drilling. That’s when the bit would jam. Now that wasn’t the tragedy it sounds like because while the bit was jammed in my jaw bone, it got a chance to cool down some. He  would get the witch to hold it while he stooped down and yanked the cord back so he could plug it in the wall socket again. Because it was on "continuous play mode" it would start right up... every time.  He was lucky because the last time it jammed in my tooth, it wrapped up the nerve. I think it was the right nerve; but when he yanked the drill up, my right eye went wall-eyed. It snapped back in place though when the nerve snapped.  He said the wobbly vision might stop later this week but if it didnt come see him and he would give me an introduction to his brother-in-law the optometrist.  They witch with the tattooed face grunted approvingly.

“There, I think thats got it, after he tried one more time with a smaller drill bit ” he exclaimed with glee.

They said I passed out then,  but, I can’t remember a thing.

When I came too he was mixing cement in a bucket."This stuff works as good as silver and mercury used to," he said. “Besides, I’m going to use the leftover to repair the crack in the wall I made when the jack hammer flew out of my hands last week.” I didn’t ask. My mouth was still supporting “Deep throat”. And besides the Witch had left that "thing" hanging over my lip--the thing that was sucking a hickey on the inside of my bottom lip.

Finally he finished packing the Inland-Cement-Company brand cement into the hole. "This will be a bit hot while it’s drying, but I have packed the hole I made up behind your right eye, so the heat should cauterize the blood vessels to the back of your nose and you may never have to worry about nose bleeds ever again.” He said this with an excited voice as if he had done me a great favor by mistake.

He cleaned up the blood and debris and even tried to wipe the snot and blood off my shirt.

Finally he pronounced me "fit to go."

The witch said something under her breath too. Something about a fat lip being ideal for piercing.  She was trying to convince me when I was grabbing my coat.  All I can remember is something about if i got two rings in my lip they would do my sexual organs for half price.  I agreed to consider it.

At the desk in the reception area. I paid my fee while the receptionist passed me a cup to take care of the green liquid streaming down my face .. I never noticed it before … all i noticed was that my head seemed heavy.  I paid the full $3817.84, but I was a bit offended when she stuck out her hand for a tip. I only gave her a quarter.

Went to the chiropractor today - a facebook conversation with my ex

by Richard Wolfe on Monday, June 4, 2012 at 9:33pm ·

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I have been digging in my garden for several weeks.  Lifting sidewalk blocks, digging up the hard dirt, .. bending and planting .. Some where in there I strained a muscle in my lower back just under the top of my left ass cheek. So when it took me 15 mins to get out of bed  (this is not unusual but the pain was never this bad)  .. and when I bent to pick up some food off the floor and beat the 2 second rule    well .. I would have scared a Banshee. 

so I called up the chiropractor and begged for death. 

This is a short  conversation  with my ex, who knew of my "back" pains. 

Richard Wolfe says

went to the chiropractor today

My ex:

Did he fix your ass?

Richard Wolfe says

He had me hold a broomstick handle between my feet up over my belly and against my forhead between my eyes.. then he twisted me twice around it lengthwise

and cuffed me to the examination table .. and my ankles too

then he opened the door into the office

and went to the far wall of the office

Then he turned and ran and jumped high

and did a flying elbow smash to my left ribs

.. then my right pelvis

Then  he slammed again into my thigh .. bit of a Charlie horse on that one. but I should be able to walk in a few hours. 

My ex:

totally missed your ass eh?

Richard Wolfe says

well lets say I couldnt feel that pain for 15 mins

he said he normally goes for the balls on the third slam .. but mine were somehow receeded

My ex:

scared ?

Richard Wolfe says

nawww he wasnt scared one bit

I was a bit nervous tho

specially when my right big toe got caught in my left hip pocket

My ex:

Next time pick an ass man.

Richard Wolfe says

Ya thanks for the sympathy

now quit laughing

My ex:

 I'm all sympathy.  You know that.

When your ass hurts, my ass hurts.

Richard Wolfe says

I can feel the love

Fable of the porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm.

This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.   

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. 

So they had to make a choice; either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.   

They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.

This way they were able to survive.   

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.   

The moral of the story is:  

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life! 

Beautiful Arizona -- more sunshine than California!!

Friday, June 1, 2012 at 9:24am ·

Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here..
July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the community pool (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $500 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts..
July 30th
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now. $350,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
Aug. 4th
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
Aug. 8th
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,300 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
Aug. 14th
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 122 today.. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Fucking Arizona What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??
Will write later to let you know how the trial goes…

Books that have affected me

What books have been an influence in your life?

After you have looked through this  I challenge you to put up a list of your own .. with or without the commentary .  :)

Sometime last Fall   Lakota Phillips  put up a challenge to write down the books that had had an influence on our lives.  I was on vacation at the time and  never got a chance to respond. I wrote out the list and forgot about it .. I just found the list so am posting it now

1. The Land that Time Forgot, The People that Time Forgot and Out of Times Abyss  - A trilogy under one cover by Edgar Rice Burroughs .. It got me motivated to read voraciously.
2. The Wailing Astroid – by Leister .. an early science fiction novel .. that later came true .. in some ways. 
3. Lorna Doone by Blackmore – Classical Romance .. cant remember the story very much but it made me realize classical novels were interesting too.
4. Man, his Origin and Destiny by  Joseph Fielding Smith .. first time I ever argued with a book. It was very good for me.
5. A Marvellous Work and a Wonder by Grant. – an aha book.
6. Jesus the Christ by Talmage .. – wow did he have a vocabulary .. and I learned a lot about scholarship.
7. The Three Musketeers --- Historical Fun
8. The Count of Monte Cristo .. ooo mysteries too
9. The Bible .. specifically the Old testament .. started reading it to put myself  to sleep .. got to the begats .. hmmmm dirty book .. read through Kings and Chronicles and suddenly found I knew more than most (no body reads the bible) .. and I learned to love it. .. and ponder .. and even think for myself .
10. The Book of Mormon .. required reading for good Mormon boys .. .. .. this encouraged me to think and ponder for myself ..  I never shied away from the big questions .. but I didn’t give up quickly either. .. shaped my philosophical beliefs regarding good and bad and helping the weak.
11. Down the Long Hills – Louis Lamour – relaxation reading .. recently re-read it .. not nearly as good now as it seemed then. .. but it opened a genre of western novels to me.  It made me proud to be a small town cowboy.
12. 1984 .. Orwell .. hmmm now this one made me think about communism .. and study more about Orwell. .. Not sure what I learned but it seems to stick in my mind.  ..  Big brother is alive and well today ..
13. Passions of the Mind  by Irving Stone .. emphasized the Intellectual  courage that Freud had. He started seeing hidden truths that people did not want to know about. It takes a lot of courage to keep looking when society says Don’t. .. He knew there was something there so he kept probing.  He opened the doors to the mind.
14. Les Miserables   -  probably the best novel I have ever read .. this was story telling at its very best.  Except for the chapter on the Battle of Waterloo.
15.  Grahame Greens Novel ..”Suffering and unhappiness are omnipresent in the world Greene depicts; and Catholicism is presented against a background of unvarying human evil, sin, and doubt. V. S. Pritchett praised Greene as the first English novelist since Henry James to present, and grapple with, the reality of evil.[26] Greene concentrated on portraying the characters' internal lives – their mental, emotional, and spiritual depths.”  .(from Wikipedia)  I cant remember the name of the novel I read .. It was about a lowly worker MI6.. (CIA Britain)  and how the office was affected by an ongoing hunt for a traitor. ..  it is very low key .. near the end of the book you suddenly discover that the main character who is describing the hurtful things that the spy is doing and causing .. is in fact the spy. .. Suddenly your mind has to do a total shift .. it is quite thrilling to watch your self do this.  I have read one other book that did this.
16. Crime and Punishment .. by Dostoyevsky  .. I read this one in the dark .. in the middle of winter above the arctic circle in Norway .. time was becoming irrelevant .. and the darkness of this Novel invaded me. .. awesome feeling. .. scary even. .. but  Dostoyevsky has a way of writing that still fascinates me.
17. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy .. John Le Carre .. and the sequel   Smileys People ..Frumpy old George Smiley became so much more the hero than James Bond ever could be.
18. Integral Trees .. Larry Niven .. Best “What if” book I have read.   But I did like Vernor Vinges book “the Witling” too ..
19. 1917 / The birth of the Nazi Party / Confessions of an Economic Hitman .. 3 books . read in rapid succession .. Russian Revolution, Germanys revolution prior to Hitler .. and modern day America. .. wow for similarities .. and scary.
20. Shock Doctrine .. Naomi Kline .. torture .. economics .. how the Corporatists are taking over.
21. David D’Angelo .. dating book...  more importantly .. an intro to Evolutionary Psychology.... I forgot the parts about picking up chicks .. but the Evolutionary Pscyhology still wanders through my mind. 
22. Napoleons Buttons.   The history and  interrelations of Chemical compounds.  Gunpowder  Nitroglycerin  Alfred Nobel   Heart medicine ... all related.   Viagra. ..  mandrake, witches brooms, mind medicines also all related.
23. Quiet Flows the Don .and its sequel  The Don Flows Home to The sea. .. Michael Sholokov .. became my favorite for a time .. Until Solshynitsyn said Sholokov didn’t write it . .. Story is about a Don Cossack boy who grows up during the Russian Revolution. His loves, his naiveté and his final successes  against the backdrop of the Russian Revolution .. far better than Dr. Zivago.
24. Bjornsterne Bjornsen’s   En Glad Gutt .. (A happy boy) .. the first book I ever read in a foreign language .. great training in culture.
25. 1491 – North America before the advent of the white man. .. New archeological advances show that the “Indians” were vastly different than we thought they were.  Columbus brought disease on his first trip that wiped out 85% of the North and South American population within 15 years.   Can you imagine the social upheaval .   There is no wonder we don’t have records of these civilizations.   When the explorers finally started looking round in the 1600s, these civilizations had  been wiped out for 100 years, the people that remained  had had 5 generations of confusion.  The records were considered heathen. Archaeology was non-existent.   

Hope you enjoyed the commentary .. I challenge you to put up a list of your own .. with or without the commentary .

hard to find a joke today without a dirty word

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but

here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,

'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the

sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that

is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best

little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Squirrelly .. squirrely is a state of mind that approaches when you have had too much coffee. It is characterized by this tingling feeling in the thighs and in the hands and a tendency to nervous reactions and uncertain anger. It is usually accompanied by 'sewer mouth', white tongue and impaired judgement as to' how fast is too fast'. It can also be caused by too much Pepsi .. (although those who drink Coke tend to be immune due to slower mental reaction times.)

Attacks of squirrely may occur in the wee hours after bouts of caffeine drinking and are sometimes found at the scene of snoring homicides.

So what is an overdose of Mountain Dew? ahhh they are similar .. but the overdose of mtn dew is accompanyed by anextraordinary tallness. This manifests itself best in that the shoelaces seem to get farther and farther away.

The cockpit becomes the box office.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer call it "The Cockpit". It's "The Box Office".'

Will life be worth living in 2000 AD? from Weekend Magazine July 22, 1961

posted by Richard Wolfe on Monday, July 18, 2011 at 9:00am ·

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July 22, 1961, Weekend Magazine

 A checklist .. I think we may be behind schedule on a few things. Probably because all the engineers are on fb or youtube.   RTW

Will life be worth living in 2000 AD?  from Weekend Magazine July 22, 1961

What sort of life will you be living 39 years from now? Scientists have looked into the future and they can tell you.

1. It looks as if everything will be so easy that people will probably die from sheer boredom. Nope
2. You will be whisked around in monorail vehicles at 200 miles an hour and you will think nothing of taking a fortnight's holiday in outer space. Nope
3. Your house will probably have air walls, and a floating roof, adjustable to the angle of the sun.Nope
4. Doors will open automatically, and clothing will be put away by remote control. The heating and cooling systems will be built into the furniture and rugs. in our cars yes but houses nope
5. You'll have a home control room - an electronics centre, where messages will be recorded when you're away from home.  YESThis will play back when you return, and also give you up-to-the minute world news, and transcribe your latest mail.
6. You'll have wall-to-wall global TV, an indoor swimming pool, TV-telephones and room-to-room TV. Press a button and you can change the décor of a room.   TV yes more or less .. rest NO
7. The status symbol of the year 2000 will be the home computer help, which will help mother tend the children, cook the meals and issue reminders of appointments.   yes and no .. tend children yes appts yes .. cook .. NO!!
8. Cooking will be in solar ovens with microwave controls. Garbage will be refrigerated, and pressed into fertiliser pellets.  Yes on the microwaves no on the frozen garbage
9. Food won't be very different from 1961, but there will be a few new dishes - instant bread, sugar made from sawdust, foodless foods (minus nutritional properties), juice powders and synthetic tea and cocoa. Energy will come in tablet form.  Yes and No .. elements of truth .. food is very different but energy comes in burger/pizza/fast diet form
10. At work, Dad will operate on a 24 hour week.  Not in a pure Capitalist Society . but there are Rumors that Europe is better than North AmericaThe office will be air-conditioned with stimulating scents and extra oxygen - to give a physical and psychological lift.
11. Mail and newspapers will be reproduced instantly anywhere in the world by facsimile. Yes well we passed that stage but the idea is correct
12. There will be machines doing the work of clerks, shorthand writers and translators. Machines will "talk" to each other. yes
13. It will be the age of press-button transportation. Rocket belts will increase a man's stride to 30 feet, and bus-type helicopters will travel along crowded air skyways. Nawww we got a mulitplicity of Insurance companies instead.  That mixed with proliferation of  regulation in safety laws etc. means no advances in movement for at least another 100 years.There will be moving plastic-covered pavements, individual hoppicopters, and 200 m.p.h. monorail trains operating in all large cities.  
14. The family car will be soundless, vibrationless and self-propelled thermostatically. The engine will be smaller than a typewriter. CWe are maybe 30% of the way there .ars will travel overland on an 18 inch air cushion.  
15. Railways will have one central dispatcher, who will control a whole nation's traffic. Jet trains will be guided by electronic brains. Railways??  No railways are becoming obsolete
16. In commercial transportation, there will be travel at 1000 m.p.h. at a penny a mile. Hypersonic passenger planes, using solid fuels, will reach any part of the world in an hour.  about 50% there .. no solid fuel and we are down to about 6 hours if we want to be. 
17. By the year 2020, five per cent of the world's population will have emigrated into space. Many will have visited the moon and beyond.  Naw they killed the space program when Russia died .. no competition. and with the advent of the computer and the death of  dramatic tv (only reality shows survive - its 100 channels of 24 hour Jerry Springer) our kids are not reading sci fi and are not interested in science.  
18. Our children will learn from TV, recorders and teaching machines. They will get pills to make them learn faster.  They are taking the pills but the pills arent working to improve their intelligence!!We shall be healthier, too. There will be no common colds, cancer, tooth decay or mental illness.
19. Medically induced growth of amputated limbs will be possible. Rejuvenation will be in the middle stages of research, and people will live, healthily, to 85 or 100. Stem cell research goes on 
20. There's a lot more besides to make H.G. Wells and George Orwell sound like they're getting left behind.  Maybe .. they do look a bit antique .. naive maybe.. but we still havent caught up to their basic ideas. 
21. And this isn't science fiction. It's science fact - futuristic ideas, conceived by imaginative young men, whose crazy-sounding schemes have got the nod from the scientists.  the computer geeks went to Nasdaq and became venture capitalists. 

It's the way they think the world will live in the next century - if there's any world left!  Yep we are still here .. and collectively a bit safer than they were .. 

©1999 Pixelmatic

After Ewe by Peter Blyth

posted by Richard Wolfe on Monday, July 25, 2011 at 10:19pm ·

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The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock

The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,

"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam

He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.

He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea

But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch

The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car

The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks

Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Author::: Former Salmon Gums farmer Peter Blyth is known for being able to spin a good yarn. But it was a real event that inspired this original bush poem! Peter Blyth came to Australia in 1957 - leaving behind the privations of post-war England, and a violent father. His migration was sponsored by the Big Brother Movement, who sent him to a farm school in Liverpool, New South Wales, so that he could 'aclimatise' to Australian conditions. But he eventually found his way to the WA Goldfields, working underground to finance the dream he'd long held - to one day run his own farm.  

The Specimen Overflow

by Richard Wolfe on Friday, December 9, 2011 at 12:39pm ·

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You are peeking at a conversation on fb between a friend and myself . 

My Friend  

Whatcha been up to!!

Me

Went in for a checkup today

Nurse led me to check up room

Handed me a little plastic cup and said "Can you give us a sample"

My Friend

Ahhhh (boredom)

Me (too stupid to shut up) 

She said she would be back in a few minutes .. and left

I had to go pretty bad so providing a sample was no problem

I looked around .. single examination room .. no bathroom.

But there were some paper towels if I needed them.

So I took off the plastic wrapper, undid my zipper, and whipped it out.  

Filled the cup to the brim

But there's more ..lots more!!!

My Friend

Oh I should not have asked!!

Me (continuing)

And it wanted out ..

While the valve was in the open position

So I squeezed it off

And tried to mentally close the valve ...

stem the flow ..

force the remainder upstream ..

what ever . ..

Ooo the sweet pain .. you know the kind that lifts one foot after the other .. uncontrollably

My friend

ok you can stop now!!!!!!!!!!!

Me (continuing – hey I was on a role now)

but it wouldnt stop .. so Im standing there with my Cock in my hand…  pinched off..

leaking

fire hose pressure still building

prancing

and leaking more with each prance

My friend

oh crap! .. you are kidding right??!!!!!!!!!!!  ( I note the interest building so a gleam starts in my mind)

Me ( rolling right along)

hand slipping on the loose skin

paper towels were not going to cut it

(waiting)

they had a sink in the room!

(waiting)

but the counter was too high ..

My Friend

Remind me never ask again.

Me ( continuing mercilessly)

I looked around… No stool .. the chair was in the far corner ..

and would take two hands to lift . (make sure you build anticpation .. lol)

The examination table was only 3 feet from the sink ..

Thinking .. 

But how to climb on it ?..

maybe on the chair which was at the other end? ..

and then up on the table.   (idiot keep your lines short .. build for the punch lines)

Two big steps but I could do it ..  (punch line .. ohhh crap .. !! .. I need a punch line)

Whoops hand slipped going up on the chair ..

diagram of the ear was now stained yellow in spots ..

streaks actually …

Pinched it off again ..

wet hand ..

slipping again ..

crap...shorted out the thermostat ..

they might want to paint the wall again ..

Im on the table  ..

walking across the stiff padded surface ..

slipping a bit ..

leaking on the paper cover ..

prancing ..

still .. exquisite agony .. pulsing pressure pounding pee

Standing on the end of the examination table

aim 

fire!!!!!! .

well feelingwise ..

water really 

try to hit the sink from 3 feet away

My Friend

HaHaHaHaHa

Me

Don’t laugh .. its true!!

Long arch .. a 3 pointer! ..

kinda missed a bit

yellow streaks on the diabetes chart

(pause)

My Friend

You’re kidding right?

Me (cant stop now .. im rolling)

nurse walked in

I didn’t mean to squirt on her

she grabbed my Penis..hard.. pinched it off  ..and dragged me down ..

I love decisive women.

It really hurt when she slipped and fell on her butt in the puddle.

Now her bottom was wet.

But I think it was mainly from the urine on the floor

I handed her the full cup

And smiled

She did not seem to be amused

My Friend

Bet she wasn’t amused?

Me 

gmta  (great minds think alike)

She marched me out the door and down the hall to the bathroom

Penis in hand 

her hand

as we went by the waiting room.. everyone was staring ..

they had heard the commotion

I just looked out at all the people

and smiled .. innocently

and shrugged ..

and loudly mumbled something

She wanted a Semen Donation and couldn’t wait ???..

she had a wet spot on her uniform

bit yellow

she was mad

My friend 

Oh you .. you crack me up.

Me

I was pretty sore myself

My Friend

 You need to write that down.

Me

lol .. yes been thinking about it

a bit of editing and it could almost be plausible