After Ewe by Peter Blyth

posted by Richard Wolfe on Monday, July 25, 2011 at 10:19pm ·

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomClose FriendsFamilySee all lists...notablesSpeedo picsInner circleSpeedo Calendar PicsSpeedo ClanbsWay Too Much to ListyesEdmonton AreaAcquaintancesGo Back

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock

The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,

"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam

He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.

He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea

But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch

The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car

The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks

Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

Author::: Former Salmon Gums farmer Peter Blyth is known for being able to spin a good yarn. But it was a real event that inspired this original bush poem! Peter Blyth came to Australia in 1957 - leaving behind the privations of post-war England, and a violent father. His migration was sponsored by the Big Brother Movement, who sent him to a farm school in Liverpool, New South Wales, so that he could 'aclimatise' to Australian conditions. But he eventually found his way to the WA Goldfields, working underground to finance the dream he'd long held - to one day run his own farm.  

The Specimen Overflow

by Richard Wolfe on Friday, December 9, 2011 at 12:39pm ·

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomClose FriendsFamilySee all lists...notablesSpeedo picsInner circleSpeedo Calendar PicsSpeedo ClanbsWay Too Much to ListyesEdmonton AreaAcquaintancesGo Back

You are peeking at a conversation on fb between a friend and myself . 

My Friend  

Whatcha been up to!!

Me

Went in for a checkup today

Nurse led me to check up room

Handed me a little plastic cup and said "Can you give us a sample"

My Friend

Ahhhh (boredom)

Me (too stupid to shut up) 

She said she would be back in a few minutes .. and left

I had to go pretty bad so providing a sample was no problem

I looked around .. single examination room .. no bathroom.

But there were some paper towels if I needed them.

So I took off the plastic wrapper, undid my zipper, and whipped it out.  

Filled the cup to the brim

But there's more ..lots more!!!

My Friend

Oh I should not have asked!!

Me (continuing)

And it wanted out ..

While the valve was in the open position

So I squeezed it off

And tried to mentally close the valve ...

stem the flow ..

force the remainder upstream ..

what ever . ..

Ooo the sweet pain .. you know the kind that lifts one foot after the other .. uncontrollably

My friend

ok you can stop now!!!!!!!!!!!

Me (continuing – hey I was on a role now)

but it wouldnt stop .. so Im standing there with my Cock in my hand…  pinched off..

leaking

fire hose pressure still building

prancing

and leaking more with each prance

My friend

oh crap! .. you are kidding right??!!!!!!!!!!!  ( I note the interest building so a gleam starts in my mind)

Me ( rolling right along)

hand slipping on the loose skin

paper towels were not going to cut it

(waiting)

they had a sink in the room!

(waiting)

but the counter was too high ..

My Friend

Remind me never ask again.

Me ( continuing mercilessly)

I looked around… No stool .. the chair was in the far corner ..

and would take two hands to lift . (make sure you build anticpation .. lol)

The examination table was only 3 feet from the sink ..

Thinking .. 

But how to climb on it ?..

maybe on the chair which was at the other end? ..

and then up on the table.   (idiot keep your lines short .. build for the punch lines)

Two big steps but I could do it ..  (punch line .. ohhh crap .. !! .. I need a punch line)

Whoops hand slipped going up on the chair ..

diagram of the ear was now stained yellow in spots ..

streaks actually …

Pinched it off again ..

wet hand ..

slipping again ..

crap...shorted out the thermostat ..

they might want to paint the wall again ..

Im on the table  ..

walking across the stiff padded surface ..

slipping a bit ..

leaking on the paper cover ..

prancing ..

still .. exquisite agony .. pulsing pressure pounding pee

Standing on the end of the examination table

aim 

fire!!!!!! .

well feelingwise ..

water really 

try to hit the sink from 3 feet away

My Friend

HaHaHaHaHa

Me

Don’t laugh .. its true!!

Long arch .. a 3 pointer! ..

kinda missed a bit

yellow streaks on the diabetes chart

(pause)

My Friend

You’re kidding right?

Me (cant stop now .. im rolling)

nurse walked in

I didn’t mean to squirt on her

she grabbed my Penis..hard.. pinched it off  ..and dragged me down ..

I love decisive women.

It really hurt when she slipped and fell on her butt in the puddle.

Now her bottom was wet.

But I think it was mainly from the urine on the floor

I handed her the full cup

And smiled

She did not seem to be amused

My Friend

Bet she wasn’t amused?

Me 

gmta  (great minds think alike)

She marched me out the door and down the hall to the bathroom

Penis in hand 

her hand

as we went by the waiting room.. everyone was staring ..

they had heard the commotion

I just looked out at all the people

and smiled .. innocently

and shrugged ..

and loudly mumbled something

She wanted a Semen Donation and couldn’t wait ???..

she had a wet spot on her uniform

bit yellow

she was mad

My friend 

Oh you .. you crack me up.

Me

I was pretty sore myself

My Friend

 You need to write that down.

Me

lol .. yes been thinking about it

a bit of editing and it could almost be plausible

Points in Time where we experience JOY

Flash points in my life where I felt joy.

1 Involking the Five Second Rule - any food dropped on the floor may be safely eaten if it is picked up within five seconds. It has been scientifically proven by the University of Illinois that if a floor is covered in Samonella or E Coli, you food will be covered in Samonella or E Coli even if it touched for a split second.. BUT that same university in Illinois study discovered that there is NO SIGNIFICANT EVIDENCE of contamination coming from floors. Most contamination comes from counter tops, stove tops and the area around sinks.

2. The final seconds of untangling a really big knot in my electrical cord or water hose. Or solving a computer problem.

3. When a waiter or waitress brings a free refill without asking first.

4. Licking the cake batter off the beaters.

5. Standing in line for an hour only to be let in and suddenly realize you have your choice of the best seats in the house.

6.Using all the different shampoos and soaps in someone else’s shower.

7. The waxy smell of new crayons!

8. Rolling an Orange round on the table then peeling the skin off in one piece. Its always extra juicy .

9. When the socks coming out of the dryer all match up.

10. Waking up. Looking over at the alarm clock and realizing you can still sleep for another hour.

11. Clean white sheets on the bed.

12. The UFSP (Universal Fry Sharing Policy). I cant eat a full order of fries but I love that I can share yours. This even beats picking the perfect nacho off of someone else’s plate.

13. Tripping and realizing no on saw me. (even better .. falling on my butt on the ice and realizing that the only pain is to my butt .. my pride is untarnished)

14. The smell of fresh bread .. only to be out done by the smell of fresh homemade cinnamon buns.

15. Pushing an elevator button only to find its already there. Ding. AWESOME.

16. Finding an old CD on which you loaded 250 of your favorite MP3’s.

17. When youre awkwardly standing by yourself with a full tray of food at a cafeteria and suddenly see a friend waving at you to come join them.

18. High-fiving a kid

19. Seeing a cop on the side of the road only to realize you’re not speeding.

20. Watching a boy (or man) ask his sister to dance. (visa versa works too.)

Classy Insults

When Insults Had Class These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. 1 A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." 2 "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 3 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr 4 "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill 5 "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow 6 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). 7 "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas 8 "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain 9 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde 1 "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill a. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. 11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop 12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright 13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb 14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson 15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating 16. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 17. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker 18. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain 19. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 210. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 211. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 212. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

TRIVIA - the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft

DID YOU KNOW?


Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach.

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst
mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces

The University of Alaska spans four time zones

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil)
and Mazaru(Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight


In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters

Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but not least:
In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

The Nursing home

Yesterday I had trouble with one of my loonies wanting her mother. So, I phoned my house cause I have an answering machine so she could talk to her mother. I gave her the phone, could hear my answering machine kick in and the old lady says, "Mom! Mom! Come get me. They won't let me out!"

After a few mins, the answering machine clicks off and the phone goes quiet but she still has the phone at her ear. After a moment the old lady starts talking to her mother as if there's someone on the other end of the phone. She's conversing away merrily, asking about her car, and her sister and her dad.

I'm trying to figure out if she really believes her mother is on the other end of the phone or if she's having me on, trying to pull the wool over my eyes. I'm also trying not to laugh.

I wait patiently until she takes the phone from her ear and ask for it back. No. I can't have it. (This is my work phone. I have to have it). I tell her that.

"Fuck off" she says, "Cocksucker." I'm always a cocksucker. "How did you know?" I ask.

"What?" she says.

"How did you know I was a cocksucker? Who told you?"

I get the long-suffering look of death, but granny won't give me the phone. I have no choice now but to take it physically away. She's not amused. "It's my phone," she cries as we wrestle for it, "I wouldn't think twice of putting a bomb under your chair." I win the wrestling match but it doesn't feel like a victory.

This is the same woman who told me I was the most wonderful person she'd met in here. But that was hours ago.

I'm turning around to leave the room and I hear from the doorway, "What're you staring at?" This is my new admission. History of aggression and agitation. Nice way of saying she'll bean you on the head when you're not looking. I mentally do checklist in my head of her drugs, seroquel, ativan and some other psych drug I can't remember. This woman used to be the booking nurse for the visiting specialists in town.

"How you doing Helen?" I ask, hoping my tone will invite camaraderie. "If you will just let me out that door," she points, "I will be on my way," she says. "I can't let you out yet Helen. It's really cold out there and your ride isn't here yet."

My boss comes rushing by. "Have we done a care plan yet?" She nuts? Have we had time to do anything yet but deal with behaviors? Yes but we have to write up a care plan so the staff knows how to deal with behaviors. I don't even know how to deal with these behaviors. Yes, the mighty care plan. It will be the standard read. Toileting regularly, offer snacks, lie her down so she isn't fatigued, distract, redirect. But what do you do when granny says, "I know what you're trying to do. You want to isolate me. You're holding me hostage. Where is my mother? What have you done with her? I want my mother. She wouldn't stand for this..."

I get the glare. "I used to work in a hospital you know? You can't keep me here."

"But you do remember that I would need a doctor's order to release you from care?" I ask hopeful that she'll remember this is basic practice.

"Asshole," she says.

I'm wondering if this is a promotion from cocksucker and decide it isn't.

Bet your day isn't nearly as much fun as this...

Garter Snakes can be dangerous in Cherry Grove.

Share

Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, garter snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...

A middle aged couple in Cherry Grove, Alberta had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, Belinda, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it warmed up, it slithered out very quietly and went exploring for bugs. Belinda happened to see it snake its way under the sofa. She screamed and none to silently either. Arnold, was in the shower after a long day of welding. He was just beginning to relax and feel comfortable when he heard the scream. He came running into the living room naked as a jay bird and flopping quite obsenely. He was feeling vulnerable but he was here to rescue the day. Belina was hysterical and was not making much sense but he got the part about he snake under the couch. Arnold wasn't into snakes but he was the man here (which was quite obvious at the moment).

Dripping wet and a bit cold, he got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look. He was fully expecting to see a fairly big snake all coiled up and waiting for his nakedness to appear. About that time, Woofie, the romantic Lab, the family dog, snuck up behind him and cold-nosed him. In his mind he knew the snake had bitten him. It happened so suddenly he yelled and jumped forward smacking his head on the end table. Arnold was out cold and Belinda thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, and called an ambulance.

The ambulance arrived just as he was coming to. The attendants rushed in and while ignoring his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher. Just as they started carrying him out in all his embarrassed splendor, the snake made a new appearance and came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it by her boot. She jumped and dropped her end of the stretcher. That's how Arnold broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

Belinda still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on Gordon, a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He knew all about snakes apparently. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told her so. She sat down on the sofa inrelief. While she was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions. Suddenly the snake was wriggling against the back of her hand. She screamed and fainted. The snake rushed back under the sofa.Gordon saw she had passed out. He decided she needed CPR to revive her. Gordon's wife, Sherie, had heard about the excitement from another neighbor and came over to help her husband. She arrived just in time to see her husband's mouth on Belindas lips. She slammed Gordie in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.

The noise woke Belinda from her faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She ran to the kitchen, phoned 911 and got a small bottle of whiskey. Shouldering her inexplicably belligerant neighbor aside, she began pouring some of the whiskey down Gordon's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Take a Breath Here......They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. Belinda explained about the how this had happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away Gordon and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa trying to make a run for it. One of the policemen was startled and drew his gun and fired. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered. It started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of Woofie, the family dog. Woofie, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. Belinda asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her. _________________________________